#1The Monologue
The Supreme Court rejected the administration's bid to restrict mail-in ballots, which means the Postal Service will go on delivering ballots exactly as it always has — so your vote will arrive sometime between October and the heat death of the universe. Re: CNBC — Supreme Court rejects Trump bid on USPS mail-in ballots rule
New international test results show American reading scores have fallen to their lowest point in twenty-five years. Officials responded by releasing a forty-page written report — which, in fairness, does solve the problem of anyone finding out. Re: NewsNation — New PISA data shows US reading scores at historic lows
Starting today, Cloudflare blocks AI training bots by default on pages that run advertising. The machines that were going to replace all of us have been informed that from now on — they have to sit through the ads like everybody else. Re: TechCrunch — Cloudflare's new policy pushes AI companies to pay for publishers' content
A bat boarded a ScotRail commuter service near Greenock and spent the journey circling the carriage while passengers ducked. A crew member waved a Saltire flag until the animal took shelter in the luggage rack, and it eventually left through an open door.
A moose wandered onto the tracks between Warsaw West and Warsaw Central, suspending service on platforms three and four. Railway staff and animal experts convened to work out a relocation plan while the moose waited.
Serial record-breaker David Rush added another Guinness World Record by folding 415 paper airplanes in sixty minutes. It is one of more than two hundred titles he currently holds.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Horrified Guests Begin Gagging As Dinner Host Reveals They've Been Eating USDA Beef' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/horrified-guests-begin-gagging-as-dinner-host-reveals-theyve-been-eating-usda-beef/
'Savannah Bananas Manager Chews Out Player For Not Goofing Around' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/savannah-bananas-manager-chews-out-player-for-not-goofing-around/
'Thanos makes 36 million pound donation to Reform UK' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/15/thanos-makes-36m-donation-to-reform-uk/
'Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/survey-finds-most-americans-can-no-longer-afford-living-in-a-van-down-by-the-river/
A seventy-eight-year-old Washtenaw County woman and her husband each bought a Club Keno ticket during a night out, and at the next stop he accidentally replayed hers instead of his. The mistaken ticket matched nine numbers and paid one hundred thirty-six thousand, six hundred sixty dollars.
#7The Groaner
My wife asked me to please stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
