#1The Monologue
Paramount has settled its antitrust suit with state attorneys general, clearing the way for its one hundred eleven billion dollar Warner Bros. Discovery merger. So after all that — two enormous companies you don't subscribe to are becoming one enormous company you don't subscribe to. Re: Paramount Settles Antitrust Suit with States Over Warner Bros. Deal — The Hollywood Reporter
Governor Gavin Newsom signed seven new laws requiring data centers to disclose how much water and electricity they consume. California has finally found a resident who uses more water than a lawn — and it doesn't even go outside. Re: Governor Newsom signs most comprehensive data center laws in the nation — Office of the Governor of California
AMD stock closed at a record six hundred thirteen dollars and thirty-one cents on expectations of enormous future demand for AI computing. Not actual demand — expectations of demand. The market has found a way to get rich off a thing that hasn't happened yet... which, frankly, is the most AI thing about it. Re: Top Tech News Today, September 22, 2026 — Tech Startups
A shuttered 7-Eleven at 1524 Third Avenue in downtown Seattle has reopened as the "Inconvenience Store," an art exhibit by Lilia Deering and Mary Anne Carter stocking pre-tangled USB cords, bags sewn from snack wrappers, and a landline iPhone that only plays "Vertigo" by U2. More than seventy artists are contributing, and the shop runs through mid-2027.
The North Canton Police Department, working with an Ohio Department of Natural Resources officer, cut a backyard hammock apart to free a deer that had become fully entangled in it. The department says it rescues deer every year, but this was its first hammock.
The city of Kelkit, in Turkey's Gümüşhane province, set a Guinness World Record with a pot of baked beans measuring 1,807 gallons — roughly fifteen thousand cans. The local chamber of commerce, the governorship, and the municipality all pitched in, beating a previous record of 1,479 gallons.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Thousands Of IDs Misprinted With Random Man's Face' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/thousands-of-ids-misprinted-with-random-mans-face/
'Oops! Stonehenge only 34 years old' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/22/oops-stonehenge-only-34-years-old/
'Amazon To Begin Updating California Customers Once Packages Have Been Stolen' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/amazon-to-begin-updating-california-customers-once-packages-have-been-stolen
'Frodo and Sam stranded on Mount Doom following air traffic control glitch grounding all eagles' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/22/frodo-and-sam-stranded-on-mount-doom-following-air-traffic-control-glitch-grounding-all-eagles/
Florida Highway Patrol troopers were called to State Route 570 near mile marker 16 in Polk County after a white emu was spotted wandering in and out of traffic in the passing lane. Troopers corralled the bird into the back of a Road Ranger vehicle and held it until its owners arrived.
#7The Groaner
I only know twenty-five letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
