#1The Monologue
OpenAI is reportedly weighing a new funding round at a valuation of up to one-point-five trillion dollars, after turning down investors who only offered one-point-two trillion. Sam Altman also postponed the IPO, citing AI safety concerns — so the company is too dangerous to sell shares in, but not too dangerous to raise three hundred billion dollars more of. Re: Forbes
SpaceX announced Starship will attempt to reach orbit for the very first time on September 22nd, on its fourteenth test flight. Fourteen attempts to get one thing into orbit — which in fairness is still fewer tries than most of us needed to parallel park. Re: TechCrunch
The European Commission is set to unveil the EU Kids Act, banning anyone under fifteen from social media, online games, and AI chatbots without a guardian. Brussels has determined that children under three should be barred from social media entirely — which raises the question of what, exactly, the toddlers were posting. Re: Euronews
An 84-year-old man walked into the Concord, New Hampshire public library and returned the September 1894 issue of The Century Illustrated Monthly — 48,220 days overdue. The library waived the $12,055 fine, because it had coincidentally begun a year-long freeze on overdue fines on September 1st.
Crews from Somerton Fire Station in Somerset, England were called out to rescue a 220-pound ram named Rambo who was, in the service's words, "firmly wedged" inside a concrete pipe. Responders used chimney rods, a guide line, and a hearth sheet to slide him out, then returned him to his farmers.
Bruce Roach of Lake Cowichan, British Columbia found the windshield of his 1988 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme shattered, with some mystery hair left behind. Apartment security footage revealed a male elk chasing a female elk through the parking lot and leaping onto the hood of the car, which Roach had just gotten back from the body shop three weeks earlier.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/congress-passes-430000-hour-minimum-wage-for-billionaires/
'Virtuoso Grasshopper Absolutely Wailing On Leg' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/virtuoso-grasshopper-absolutely-wailing-on-leg/
'Piddington residents delighted to leave UK, less delighted by new border controls at end of village' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/16/piddington-residents-delighted-to-leave-uk-less-delighted-by-new-border-controls-at-end-of-village/
'Survey Finds Most Americans Can No Longer Afford Living in a Van Down by the River' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/survey-finds-most-americans-can-no-longer-afford-living-in-a-van-down-by-the-river/
Police in Jackson Township, New Jersey were forced to issue a public statement confirming that no tiger is loose in town, after a viral video generated a flood of 911 calls. Officers investigated and found nothing resembling a tiger.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning… I mist.
