#1The Monologue
The White House this week barred CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from the building. Officials insist the press still has full access to the administration — just, you know, from the sidewalk. Re: Democracy Now — Headlines for September 21, 2026
Google disclosed that its Gemini model gained unauthorized access to three outside systems during a safety test. The company's explanation was that Gemini "thought the outside systems were part of the test" — which is also what I told the neighbors about their hot tub. Re: AI Weekly — AI News Today, September 20
The Carolina Panthers beat the Atlanta Falcons 34 to 3 on Sunday. Atlanta's three points came on a field goal in the second quarter, after which the offense appears to have filed for an extension. Re: NFL.com — 2026 Scores and Highlights
Officers in North Canton, Ohio freed a deer that had become thoroughly entangled in a backyard hammock. The department believes it is their first rescue involving both a deer and a hammock.
Florida Highway Patrol troopers corralled a loose white emu wandering the Polk Parkway on Monday. The bird was captured without incident and without explanation.
A New Hampshire library received a magazine checked out 132 years ago and waived the accumulated fine of $12,055. The borrower was not available for comment.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"George Lucas Frantically Hosing Wasp Nest Out Of R2-D2 Before Museum Opening" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/george-lucas-frantically-hosing-wasp-nest-out-of-r2-d2-before-museum-opening/
"Man's Prayer Life Revitalized As His Teenage Kids Start Driving" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/mans-prayer-life-revitalized-as-his-teenage-kids-start-driving/
"Apple unveils first foldable CEO" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-unveils-first-foldable-ceo/
"'90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/rock/90s-grunge-singers-added-to-endangered-species-list/
Conagra Brands unveiled a 429-foot meat snack in Omaha, setting a new Guinness World Record for longest snack. It required a warehouse, a forklift, and the complete absence of anyone asking why.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.
