#1The Monologue
Microsoft announced this week that it plans to more than triple its data-center footprint to over thirty-eight gigawatts by 2032 — which is more electricity than the entire state of New York uses at peak. So if the lights flicker at your house in six years, it's because a server somewhere is helping a stranger write a birthday card. Re: Microsoft to triple data-center footprint to 38 gigawatts by 2032 — Tech Startups
The legal AI startup Harvey raised another five hundred and fifty million dollars this week, valuing the company at fifteen and a half billion. Investors are betting big that the future of law is a machine that bills you in six-minute increments — without the guilt. Re: Harvey raises $550M at $15.5B valuation — Tech Startups
And Apple unveiled its first folding iPhone this week, along with a two-nanometer chip. Two nanometers. Engineers have now shrunk the transistor to roughly the width of ten atoms — so you can drop it on the driveway from four feet. Re: Apple unveils folding iPhone and 2nm chip — Tech Startups
Animal rescuers in San Francisco are trying to trace the origins of a mystery marmot found in a Mission District backyard, believed to have hitched a ride into the city inside a car undercarriage. Rescuers say marmots routinely climb into engine bays, drink radiator fluid, pass out, and wake up somewhere else entirely.
Perry Township police were dispatched to Ohio Stadium after a squirrel wandered into the stands during the Ohio State–Ball State game and became, per the official description, "overwhelmed." Fans fed it pretzels to calm it down before a sergeant contained it in a beer box and released it outside.
St. Louis County Animal Care and Control fished an Asian water monitor lizard out of a storm drain in Affton, Missouri, and named it Gojira. The species can exceed fifty pounds; officials described this one as having a very friendly demeanor and placed it on a five-day stray hold.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'MLB Attempts To Increase Fan Engagement By Providing Ball With Emotional Backstory' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/mlb-attempts-to-increase-fan-engagement-by-providing-ball-with-emotional-backstory/
'Life Hack: Avoid Leaving Your Wallet At Home By Setting It Next To Your Katana' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/life-hack-avoid-leaving-your-wallet-at-home-by-setting-it-next-to-your-katana/
'Apple unveils first foldable CEO' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-unveils-first-foldable-ceo/
'Nunchuck Owner Just Itching for Reason to Nunchuck Something' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/nunchuck-owner-just-itching-for-reason-to-nunchuck-something/
Pittsburgh Animal Care and Control spent hours on Atwood Street in Oakland extracting a coyote that had become wedged between two walls in an alley and could not free itself. The animal was released unharmed into a wooded area outside the city.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
