#1The Monologue
The FBI confirmed this week that North Korea was behind the theft of six-point-three billion dollars from Binance, the largest crypto heist in history. Binance says it has already covered ninety-five percent of the stolen assets — which means the decentralized currency that needs no banks was, in the end, bailed out by a bank. Re: FBI says North Korea was behind $6.3 billion Binance heist — PBS NewsHour
The Nasdaq 100 entered correction territory today, down more than ten percent from its October peak, as investors worry that artificial intelligence companies are spending vastly more than they earn. Analysts note this is the index's third correction of the year, meaning Wall Street has now changed its mind about AI more times than AI has changed its mind about how many fingers a hand has. Re: Big Tech Selloff Pushes Nasdaq 100 Into Correction — Bloomberg
The Milwaukee Brewers won the World Series last week, defeating the Tampa Bay Rays in five games for the first championship in the franchise's fifty-eight-year history. Four teams remain without a title — a list the Brewers spent half a century on, and left with all the fanfare of a man quietly stepping off an escalator. Re: Brewers beat the Rays to win the first World Series title in franchise history — NPR
A red-shouldered hawk found grounded in a Virginia driveway turned out to have no injuries whatsoever. Wildlife rehabilitators determined the bird was simply, in their words, too darn fat to fly.
Thieves dug up and removed an entire nest of between one thousand and five thousand rare narrow-headed ants from a protected nature reserve in south Devon, England. The site is the species' last stronghold in the country, and police are investigating.
A neighbor in Austin, Texas called 911 after spotting a raccoon high in a tree with its head wedged in a hollow. Firefighters climbed a ladder and used a hydraulic spreader — the Jaws of Life — to widen the hole, and the raccoon was handed to Animal Control alive and unharmed.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Haley Stevens Threatens To Endorse One Republican Every Hour Until Demands Met' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/haley-stevens-threatens-to-endorse-one-republican-every-hour-until-demands-met/
'Decades Of Recycling Progress Undone By Single Midterm Election' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/decades-of-recycling-progress-undone-by-single-midterm-election/
'Patriot undergoes successful surgery to become 99% poppy' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/02/patriot-undergoes-successful-surgery-to-become-99-poppy/
'Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/punk-hardcore/liberal-punk-band-writes-strongly-worded-letter-addressed-to-the-machine/
Glenwood Hoskin Jr., sixty, a retired tax officer from Pennsylvania, has been awarded the Guinness World Record for most films seen in a cinema in one year, attending 1,207 screenings at his local Regal theater. That averages 3.3 movies per day and beats the previous record of 777 by a margin of 430.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered — they're right behind you.
