#1The Monologue
The biggest AI and chip stocks have shed roughly five trillion dollars in market value since October 6th, making it the Nasdaq's worst month of the year. Analysts say investors are finally asking whether all that AI spending will ever turn a profit — a question they could have asked a chatbot for free. Re: NBC News
A federal judge today dismissed a Justice Department lawsuit over Alaska's Senate race, where two different men named Dan Sullivan are on the same ballot. The government argued voters might get confused — and to be fair, the government filed the suit against a Dan Sullivan to protect a Dan Sullivan. Re: CNBC
The Detroit Lions beat Minnesota nineteen to fifteen, ending the NFL's last undefeated season. The Vikings had gone six and oh, which in Minnesota is less a record than — a warning. Re: NBC News
A federal judge on Friday allowed four customers to proceed with a class action claiming McDonald's misleads buyers into thinking the McRib contains actual rib meat. One survey in the case found 72 percent of respondents believed it did.
Demonstrators gathered outside Liberty Mutual's Boston headquarters to demand the retirement of the company's fluffy yellow mascot, "Liberty Biberty," after a nineteen-year-old's YouTube video drew more than 600,000 views. A lone counter-protester attended dressed as the mascot.
Researchers at ETH Zurich's Soft Robotics Lab released video of a detached robotic hand that taught itself to walk on its own fingers, crossing fourteen surfaces including grass, gravel and metal grating. The team compared it to Thing from The Addams Family.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Mary Peltola Insists Scheme To Put Second Dan Sullivan On Ballot Orchestrated By Mary F. Peltola' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/politics/
'Wife Relieved To Learn Husband Lost Entire Paycheck On Prediction Market Instead Of Sports Betting' — The Babylon Bee, https://thebabylonbee.substack.com/p/the-babylon-bee-weekly-roundup-october-137
'Government To Protect Children From Social Media By Leaving It Entirely Populated By Adults Behaving Like Children' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/30/government-to-protect-children-from-social-media-by-leaving-it-entirely-populated-by-adults-behaving-like-children/
'Opinion: I Have A Substack Because I'm An Expert, And I'm An Expert Because I Have A Substack' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/category/blog/
Manassas Park police responded to a report of a sheep loose in the Blooms Crossing neighborhood and detained the animal "after a brief food pursuit that led straight into someone's backyard." Officers said no charges have been filed, though they suspect a few outstanding "baaa-violations."
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
