#1The Monologue
Polls opened across the country this morning for the 2026 midterm elections, with control of both chambers of Congress on the line. Millions of Americans stood in line to participate in the one civic ritual that still cannot be completed from a phone — which, honestly, explains a great deal about turnout. Re: NBC News — This Morning's Top Headlines
Marvell Technology announced it's buying Lumentum for a hundred and fifteen billion dollars, the largest merger of the year, in what analysts are calling a massive bet on AI data centers. A hundred and fifteen billion dollars — I'd just like to confirm that nobody asked the AI whether this was a good idea. Re: CNBC — Marvell to buy Lumentum in all-stock deal
The Nasdaq opened the month with a one percent loss as technology stocks melted down yet again, with analysts blaming overheated artificial intelligence valuations. Overheated artificial intelligence — so the stock market is now experiencing the exact same problem as my laptop. Re: CNBC — Nasdaq starts November with 1% loss
The Devon Wildlife Trust in England is investigating the theft of a nest containing somewhere between one thousand and five thousand narrow-headed ants, a protected species, lifted straight out of a nature reserve.
A red-shouldered hawk found unable to fly in a Virginia driveway baffled veterinarians until they weighed her — over nine hundred and ten grams. She had discovered an unguarded supply of backyard chickens and settled into a routine of eating and napping.
Glenwood Hoskin Junior of Pennsylvania has set a Guinness World Record by attending one thousand two hundred and seven cinema screenings in a single year, an average of three point three movies per day. He did it on a twenty-eight-dollar-a-month unlimited subscription.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/steve-kornacki-crushes-millions-of-tiny-voters-while-sliding-hand-across-electoral-map/
'Nation Wondering If Maybe We Could Just Forget About Election And All Split The Money Each Side Spent On Campaign Ads' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-wondering-if-maybe-we-could-just-forget-about-election-and-all-split-the-money-each-side-spent-on-campaign-ads/
'Man nostalgic for time when biggest threat to a freezer was someone leaving the door open' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/02/man-nostalgic-for-time-when-biggest-threat-to-a-freezer-was-someone-leaving-the-door-open/
'Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/punk-hardcore/liberal-punk-band-writes-strongly-worded-letter-addressed-to-the-machine/
Surveillance cameras at Bagel Dock Express in Southport, North Carolina recorded a three-foot alligator entering through the back door and strolling through the kitchen to the front counter before closing time. Police and animal control removed it without incident.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.
