#1The Monologue
Apple unveiled the iPhone Duo today, a folding phone starting at one thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine dollars. For two thousand dollars, it does everything your old phone did — except now it closes, so you can pretend to stop looking at it. Re: Bloomberg — Apple Event 2026 Live Updates
A technical fault in Britain's air traffic control system cancelled close to a thousand flights on Tuesday, with a second wave of cancellations rolling into Wednesday. Officials confirmed the flight data processing system has been fully restored — which is a relief, because until today the backup plan was a man at Heathrow with a flashlight and a good attitude. Re: CNN — Massive disruption hits UK airports
The President posted, in full, quote, "No more selling Bombardier in the United States!" Analysts spent the afternoon trying to determine whether this was trade policy, and eventually settled on — probably. Re: Democracy Now! — Headlines for September 9, 2026
A Wisconsin family in West Allis spotted what they assumed was a dirty hose near their engine block, and it turned out to be a four-foot boa constrictor. Animal control called in a reptile rescue to extract it.
Customs officers at Turin's Caselle airport found the dried head of an endangered crocodile wrapped in ordinary gift paper inside a passenger's bag. He had flown in from Miami by way of Istanbul and is now under investigation for trafficking a protected species.
Fans at a Kansas City Royals game won free food for the entire ballpark by crowd-surfing a giant inflatable hot dog into a giant inflatable bun in under thirty-five seconds.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Nation's Smart Toilets Begin Counting Down' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/nations-smart-toilets-begin-counting-down/
'Friend Who Completely Forgot About Fantasy Draft Projected To Win Handily' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/friend-who-completely-forgot-about-fantasy-draft-projected-to-win-handily/
'UK air traffic control system successfully completes third once-in-a-generation failure in three years' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/09/uk-air-traffic-control-system-successfully-completes-third-once-in-a-generation-failure-in-three-years/
'Ween Enters Mescaline Hall of Fame' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/rock/ween-enters-mescaline-hall-of-fame/
A buck let itself into a St. Johns County home, was discovered standing motionless beside the toilet, and then jumped into the backyard pool twice while deputies tried to steer it out with a pool brush. It eventually left on its own and ran into the woods.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes — she gave me a hug.
