#1The Monologue
The White House announced that the United States and China have agreed to open a direct communication channel for artificial intelligence incidents — essentially a red telephone for when the computers start acting up. Officials say the line will be staffed around the clock, which raises the question of who picks up… and whether it's going to be a chatbot on both ends. Re: China, US to open AI 'communication channel' after summit — Al Jazeera
Cloud company Akamai surged nearly twenty percent this week after signing an eleven-point-six billion dollar deal to rent computing power to Anthropic over the next seven years. Eleven-point-six billion dollars. For computer time. Somewhere out there is a guy who spent forty dollars on a laptop in 2011 and thought he'd overpaid — he was right, actually, but for different reasons. Re: Stock market news for Sept. 25, 2026 — CNBC
Fat Bear Week is underway at Katmai National Park in Alaska, where sixteen brown bears compete for the public's vote based on how much salmon they ate this summer. Turnout was so heavy it crashed the voting site, forcing officials to reopen the first round. So the good news is that Americans still believe in democracy — the bad news is we've located exactly which election they care about. Re: Fat Bear Week 2026 is here, and voting already "broke the internet" — CBS News
Police in Moriyama City, Japan, responded to reports of an ostrich loose in a residential neighborhood, and spent two hours cornering what turned out to be an emu from a mobile zoo. The bird, under a year old, was captured at an apartment complex with no injuries reported.
The City of Trotwood, Ohio, issued a formal public advisory about a ram that has been wandering through several neighborhoods, urging residents not to capture, corner, feed, pet, or handle it. Officials do not know where the ram came from and are asking the public to help identify its owner.
LuAnn Chico of Lexington, North Carolina, won one hundred thousand dollars on a Ruby Red 7's scratch-off — the second time she has won exactly that amount on exactly that game, the first being in August of last year. She took home seventy-two thousand and sixteen dollars after taxes and plans a beach trip.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Kash Patel Phished By Scammer Posing As Kash Patel' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/kash-patel-phished-by-scammer-posing-as-kash-patel/
'National Election Swayed As Beverly From Nebraska Puts Political Sign In Yard' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/national-election-swayed-as-beverly-from-nebrasks-puts-political-sign-in-yard
''90s Grunge Singers Added to Endangered Species List' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/rock/90s-grunge-singers-added-to-endangered-species-list/
'Wendy's Employees Undergo Mandatory Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday Training' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/wendys-employees-undergo-mandatory-brand-new-vs-taking-back-sunday-training/
A group of escaped sheep wandered onto the grounds of Burlington High School's new campus in Vermont, where they were photographed grazing the landscaping before being collected.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
