#1The Monologue
The United Nations is voting this week to adopt a new, more accurate world map, retiring the old projection that made some countries look enormous and others look like a rounding error. Delegates say the change corrects centuries of geographic distortion — which should really help, because up to now the only thing standing between humanity and world peace was Greenland.
Re: [UPI — U.N. to vote to adopt new, more accurate world map]
Moving on. Bloomberg reports that AI data centers have become a flashpoint in the midterms, with roughly seven in ten Americans saying they don't want one built near them. Both parties are now spending millions on ads attacking data centers — ads that are, of course, targeted, generated, and served to you by a data center.
Re: [Bloomberg — AI Data Centers Become Flashpoint for Trump, Republicans in 2026 Elections]
In other news. The NFL announced its season will open this Wednesday night — the first Wednesday opener in well over a decade — because the league ran out of room in the week. There are seven days. The NFL has looked at all of them, and concluded that it needs an eighth.
Re: [FOX Sports — When Does the 2026 NFL Regular Season Start? Week 1 Schedule]
An animal control officer in Burlington, Massachusetts responded to a report of a lizard in a parking lot and found a mangrove monitor — a large, aggressive species native to Australia and Indonesia — wedged in a car's wheel well. She called a neighboring animal control department for what she described as moral support.
An Illinois man received a lottery ticket as a birthday present from a friend and discovered it matched all six numbers for a one million dollar prize. The friend, by all accounts, was simply out of gift ideas.
A mustang that escaped in late June and spent more than two months roaming near Liberty Reservoir in Carroll County, Maryland has finally been captured. It took a horse rescue, a professional wrangler, and fifty-nine fence panels arranged into a chute.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Mailman Too Old To Be Out There' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/mailman-too-old-to-be-out-there/
'Breakthrough As Scientists At University Of Michigan Develop Ability To Travel Back In Time One Second' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/breakthrough-as-scientists-at-university-of-michigan-develop-ability-to-time-travel-by-one-second
'Frantic parents desperately seeking tidy bit of house for obligatory Facebook school uniform photo' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/03/frantic-parents-desperately-seeking-tidy-bit-of-house-for-obligatory-facebook-school-uniform-photo/
'Men's Wearhouse Suit Comes With New Interpol Album Pre-Loaded' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/mens-wearhouse-suit-comes-with-new-interpol-album-pre-loaded/
A deer let itself into a home in St. Johns County, Florida, spent a stretch of time standing in the bathroom, and then went for a swim in the family pool before departing. No damage was reported, and no explanation was offered.
#7The Groaner
I used to work at a calendar factory. I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
