#1The Monologue
Alibaba this week unveiled what it's calling China's most powerful AI chip, along with plans to expand its data centers to more than twenty gigawatts by 2032. That is enough electricity to power a mid-sized country — or roughly four hundred million images of a cat in a business suit. Re: CNBC — Alibaba shares jump as new AI chip, data center buildout plans unveiled
New Urban Institute research finds one in five middle-income renters couldn't pay rent in full and on time last year, up from fourteen percent. Researchers stress this is not a housing crisis — it's a housing... trend. Re: NPR — More middle-income families are struggling to pay rent in the U.S.
Hall of Famer Adam Vinatieri kicked a thirty-three yard field goal at eleven thousand three hundred seventeen feet in the Swiss Alps, setting the Guinness record for highest-altitude field goal. The previous record was held by nobody — because until Tuesday, nobody had thought to ask. Re: NFL.com — Hall of Famer Adam Vinatieri kicks world record field goal in Swiss Alps
A former 7-Eleven in Seattle has reopened as the "Inconvenience Store," an art exhibit stocked with pre-tangled USB cords, bags made from old Cheetos packages, and a landline iPhone that plays only "Vertigo" by U2.
Police in Franklin Township, New Jersey removed a vehicle's front bumper to extract a three-foot ball python that had taken up residence in the grille.
The Turkish city of Kelkit claimed a Guinness World Record with a single pot holding 1,807 gallons of baked beans — roughly fifteen thousand cans' worth, beating the old mark of 1,479 gallons.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'USDA Replaces Food Stamps With One Giant Rutabaga' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/usda-replaces-food-stamps-with-one-giant-rutabaga/
'Reform UK claims victory after mass exodus of undocumented immigrants as migratory birds depart for the autumn' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/23/reform-uk-claims-victory-after-mass-exodus-of-undocumented-immigrants-as-migratory-birds-depart-for-the-autumn/
'Private Equity Firm Buys Rainbows' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/private-equity-firm-buys-rainbows/
'Proud Wife Informs Husband How Much Money She Made Today Returning Things To Target' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/proud-wife-informs-husband-how-much-money-she-made-today-returning-things-to-target/
Florida Highway Patrol troopers were called to State Route 570 to corral a white emu that had wandered into the passing lane of the Polk Parkway.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
