#1The Monologue
Visa, Mastercard and Ant International announced a "Know Your Agent" framework this week so that AI shopping agents can be verified across payment networks, ahead of projections that these agents will move three to five trillion dollars in consumer spending by 2030. The announcement included no technical specifications, no governing body, and no timeline — so it should be fully operational the moment somebody invents any of those. Re: PYMNTS
Star Trek turned sixty this month, and one of its current stars told NPR the franchise's central problem is that, quote, "its audience is aging." So a show about a future where humanity has eliminated scarcity, disease and money is having trouble connecting with people in their twenties — who cannot picture any of that. Re: NPR
The Emmys air tomorrow night, and the most-nominated program of the year, with twenty-five nods, is "The Pitt" — a drama set entirely inside one overwhelmed emergency room over a single shift. Television has cracked the code at last — the most relatable show in America is one where nobody gets a break, nobody gets to sit down, and it simply does not end. Re: ABC News
A yellow-bellied marmot — a mountain rodent roughly the size of a house cat — turned up in a Mission District backyard after apparently climbing into a car undercarriage, drinking radiator fluid, and passing out. Rescuers are now looking for whoever drove back from Tahoe recently, so the marmot can be returned to elevation.
Animal control officers in south St. Louis County fished a large Asian water monitor out of a storm drain on Niles Place this week. Rescuers named him Gojira, described his demeanor as "very friendly," and placed him in foster care pending adoption.
Guinness World Records confirmed that Andrea Marazzi's 50.2-centimeter-wide vehicle is the narrowest drivable car on earth, built by removing the entire middle of a 1993 Fiat Panda and welding the two sides back together. It steers, it stops, it moves under its own power, and it is not street legal.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Sandra Bullock Regrets Practical Magic 2 After Realizing She Could've Just Had Dinner With Nicole Kidman' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/sandra-bullock-regrets-practical-magic-2-after-realizing-she-couldve-just-had-dinner-with-nicole-kidman/
'Local Dad Clearly Using His Kids As Excuse To Ride Go-Karts' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/local-dad-clearly-using-his-kids-as-excuse-to-ride-go-karts/
'Reform Promises To Take Britain Back From The Wealthy Elites By Using £72m Donated By Wealthy Elites' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/13/reform-promises-to-take-britain-back-from-the-wealthy-elites-by-using-72m-donated-by-wealthy-elites/
'Opinion: I'm Not A Toys R Us Kid, I'm A Toys R Us Man' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/opinion-im-not-a-toys-r-us-kid-im-a-toys-r-us-man/
A squirrel wandered into the stands at Ohio Stadium during Saturday's Ohio State game and became, in the words of Perry Township police, "overwhelmed." Fans attempted to calm it with pretzels; an officer eventually contained it in a beer box and released it outside.
#7The Groaner
I tried to build the world's narrowest car, but I had to give up — there just wasn't enough room for error.
