#1The Monologue
The President announced this weekend that he will create a new branch of the military called the "AI Force," while simultaneously insisting that fears about artificial intelligence are a hoax. So we're building an army to fight a thing that doesn't exist... which, to be fair, is the most cost-effective war we've ever entered. Re: ABC News
Reporters from CNN, MS NOW, and Politico showed up to the White House on Saturday and had their press badges confiscated at the gate by the Secret Service. Three separate news organizations, physically removed from the building — and somehow the press pool is still the least functional part of that lawn. Re: NPR
Mattel has released a Lenny Kravitz Ken doll, the second-ever celebrity "Kenbassador," following LeBron James. It retails for seventy dollars, includes a mesh tank top, boot-cut jeans, and a tiny replica of the tattoo of his mother on his forearm... so the doll has a more detailed backstory than most of my relatives. Re: Mattel
Two male chimpanzees pushed open an access corridor door that construction workers had left unlocked, then toured the giraffe exhibit before being tranquilized near the lions. Both were unharmed and awake by 8 a.m. the next morning.
A Virginia woman kept noticing the same set of numbers on license plates in traffic, so she played them in the lottery and won one hundred thousand dollars.
A horse with no saddle or bridle bolted before the Desfile de La Gente parade in Santa Fe, and police responded with motorcycle officers, bicycle officers, animal services, and drone operators. Professional cowboys on horseback eventually roped it, and the horse made it back in time to march in the parade.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'New Orleans Pelicans Can't Help But Notice They're Not On NBA Schedule This Year' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/new-orleans-pelicans-cant-help-but-notice-theyre-not-on-nba-schedule-this-year/
'Warhammer 40k player hasn't noticed fuel price increase because he's used to paying £100 for a tank' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/19/warhammer-40k-player-hasnt-noticed-fuel-price-increase-because-hes-used-to-paying-100-for-a-tank/
'Uber Driver Carefully Selects Worst Possible Photo For Profile' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/uber-driver-carefully-selects-worst-possible-photo-for-profile
'Wanted: Graphic Designer to Fix Our AI-Generated Show Flyer' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/wanted-graphic-designer-to-fix-our-ai-generated-show-flyer/
Jackson Township police issued a statement after a viral video claiming a tiger had escaped near Six Flags Great Adventure flooded their dispatch center with 911 calls. The park confirmed all twelve hundred of its animals were accounted for, and police asked residents to please stop calling.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
