#1The Monologue
Warren Buffett stepped down as chairman of Berkshire Hathaway this week at ninety-six, telling shareholders that "Father Time always wins." He's staying on the board as chairman emeritus — because at Berkshire, even retirement is a long-term hold. Re: CNBC
Brussels unveiled a plan this week for an EU-wide social media ban for children under thirteen. Response from children under thirteen was swift and unanimous — they are all, in fact, forty-one. Re: UPI
British lawmakers are urging the government to reject a thirteen-point-four billion dollar takeover of Thames Water, a utility currently buried under a mountain of debt. So at last — a water company with a liquidity problem. Re: UPI
Two chimpanzees got out of their enclosure at the Taipei Zoo on Friday and wandered into a public area before keepers tranquilized them and returned them home. The zoo says it's reviewing the enclosure.
A painting bought for thirty dollars at a Michigan estate sale turned out to be a lost work by the surrealist Gertrude Abercrombie. It's now expected to sell at auction for as much as a quarter million dollars.
Conagra Brands unspooled a Slim Jim measuring four hundred twenty-nine feet and five-point-four inches in Omaha, Nebraska. Guinness World Records certified it as the longest meat snack ever made.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Congress Passes $430,000/Hour Minimum Wage For Billionaires' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/congress-passes-430000-hour-minimum-wage-for-billionaires/
'Taylor Swift Releases New Single Look What You Made Me Invest In' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/taylor-swift-releases-new-single-look-what-you-made-me-invest-in
'Apple unveils first foldable CEO' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-unveils-first-foldable-ceo/
'Overly Ambitious Promoter Books Mixed Genre Show With Three Hardcore Bands, Full Production of The Phantom of the Opera' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/overly-ambitious-promoter-books-mixed-genre-show-with-three-hardcore-bands-full-production-of-the-phantom-of-the-opera/
An unbridled horse bolted before the start of the Desfile de La Gente parade in Santa Fe, prompting a response from motorcycle officers, bicycle officers, animal services and drone operators. Cowboys and police cornered it on Canyon Road and the owner walked it back in time for the parade.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian whether they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
