#1The Monologue
The Seattle Times and Newsday have sued OpenAI and Microsoft, alleging the companies trained their AI on decades of newspaper journalism without asking. The papers are demanding the models be destroyed... which, for a newspaper, is the most aggressive circulation strategy in years. Re: TechCrunch
French AI firm Mistral raised three billion euros today at a valuation north of twenty-one billion — the largest equity round any European tech company has ever closed. It was led by Samsung, which means Europe's sovereign AI champion is now sovereign in the same way your refrigerator is — technically independent, functionally owned. Re: TechCrunch
Google rolled out its court-mandated European search overhaul today and immediately announced it represents the single largest drop in search quality in the company's twenty-nine-year history. A spokesman clarified the results are now worse — but they're worse legally. Re: Search Engine Land
A 44-year-old man in Chonburi, Thailand hauled more than 8,900 eggs to a local temple on Sunday to make good on a vow, after claiming he'd hit lottery prizes in roughly ten consecutive draws.
An island covering more than a hundred thousand square feet appeared on B.C.'s Williston Reservoir, then vanished from satellite imagery. B.C. Hydro has now found it floating roughly eighteen miles northwest of where it started.
A Kirkland, Washington resident called 911 over loud banging inside the house. Officers arrived to find a bobcat at the top of the stairs, and used a drone to herd it into an empty room until wildlife officials could sedate and relocate it.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Marlins Announce First 10,000 Fans At Game Will Receive Sandy Alcantara Bobblehead To Share' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/marlins-announce-first-10000-fans-at-game-will-receive-sandy-alcantara-bobblehead-to-share/
'News Station Adds Chick-Fil-A Drive Thru Wait Times To Traffic Report' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/news-station-adds-chick-fil-a-drive-thru-wait-times-to-traffic-report/
'Couple break own record of two hours and eleven minutes deciding what to watch' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/08/couple-break-own-record-of-two-hours-and-eleven-minutes-deciding-what-to-watch/
'Italian Nu-Metal Singer Does It All for the Gnocchi' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/metal/italian-nu-metal-singer-does-it-all-for-the-gnocchi/
A baby corn snake turned up in the bread aisle of a Heron Foods in Maryport, Cumbria, and was taken in by the animal education group Pet Encounter, which named her Crumbs. She's the twenty-first snake the group has taken in this year, up from fourteen in all of 2025.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian whether they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
