#1The Monologue
Global airlines slashed their 2026 profit forecasts today after Brent crude climbed toward ninety-seven dollars a barrel. Carriers say they are exploring every available option to offset the cost — which is why your carry-on is now measured in grams. Re: CNBC — Stock market news for Sept. 7, 2026
A space company announced it has leased a large facility outside Seattle to build hardware for data centers that will orbit the Earth. The pitch is unlimited solar power and free cooling... so at long last, when the cloud goes down, it'll be technically accurate. Re: GeekWire — Cowboy Space leases huge facility for orbital data centers
The NFL regular season opens Wednesday, with the defending champion Seattle Seahawks hosting the New England Patriots. It's one of the earliest openers in years — meaning fantasy managers now get a full four extra days to ruin their draft. Re: NFL.com — 2026 Week 1 Schedule
Everyone who appears onstage at the Met must audition, including the snake, and a sun-glow boa constrictor named Princess won the reptilian role in a Coney Island-set staging of Mozart's "Così fan tutte." A brown boa named Nala was named understudy.
Two drivers pulled into an industrial park near Runcorn, England, hitched up two trailers holding roughly 800 barrels of stout, and drove off toward the Mersey Gateway bridge. Cheshire police put the value at £115,000.
The 36th Ig Nobel Prizes were handed out in Zurich, honoring work on cockroach milk, the evolutionary history of kissing, and burying underpants in soil to measure soil health. The ceremony's official theme was fungi.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'High School Football Coach Has Good Feeling About New Player Called Thunder Beef' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/high-school-football-coach-has-good-feeling-about-new-player-called-thunder-beef/
'California Teen Flunks Driver's License Test For Fully Stopping At Stop Sign' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/california-teen-flunks-drivers-license-test-for-fully-stopping-at-stop-sign/
'Base camp established at mountain of oyster shells left behind at Reform conference' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/07/base-camp-established-at-mountain-of-oyster-shells-left-behind-at-reform-conference/
'Democrats Pass Anti-Flock Camera Bill Mandating All Flock Devices Wear Body Cameras' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/democrats-pass-anti-flock-camera-bill-mandating-all-flock-devices-wear-body-cameras/
St. Johns County deputies answered an intruder call and found a full-grown buck standing beside the toilet. They guided it out with a pool brush, whereupon it jumped into the family swimming pool twice before leaving through a gap in the fence.
#7The Groaner
A friend bet me fifty dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti — you should have seen his face as I drove pasta.
