#1The Monologue
Apple unveiled the iPhone Duo this week, its first foldable, with a base price of nineteen hundred and ninety-nine dollars and a top model at thirty-two hundred. Apple says the crease is nearly invisible — which, for that money, describes the phone and also your savings account. Re: CNN Business
The President promised every American adult a five thousand dollar payment if Republicans hold Congress in November, calling it the "Trump Dividend." Analysts note the plan would cost over a trillion dollars, and that tariff revenue this year totals sixty-four billion — so the math works, provided you stop doing the math. Re: Bloomberg
Brent crude closed above one hundred dollars a barrel for the first time since July, the second straight day in triple digits. Economists call it a supply shock. Everyone who drives calls it Tuesday, and also Wednesday, and now apparently the rest of the year. Re: EnergyNow
Sheriff's deputies in Snohomish County, Washington, were called out to a neighborhood where an escaped goat with foot-long horns was attempting to ram residents, who had barricaded themselves indoors. Body camera footage shows two deputies grabbing the animal by the horns and walking it home while one of them says, "This thing is really strong, dude."
Four disc golfers in Idaho — serial record-holder David Rush, his friend Travis Davidson, and Davidson's two sons — set a Guinness World Record for the fastest hole of disc golf by a team of four, finishing in 44.31 seconds. It took them sixty attempts to do it.
Guinness World Records confirmed the 2027 edition's narrowest driveable car: a 1993 Fiat Panda rebuilt by Andrea Marazzi of Bagnolo Cremasco, Italy, now just 50.2 centimeters wide. He spent roughly a year cutting the entire middle out of the body and chassis and welding the two sides back together.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Hyperrealistic GTA VI Feature Makes Players Serve Out Prison Sentences In Real Time' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/hyperrealistic-gta-vi-feature-makes-players-serve-out-prison-sentences-in-real-time/
'Apple unveils first foldable CEO' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-unveils-first-foldable-ceo/
'A.I. Assures Everyone It Won't Exterminate Humanity As It Will Still Need Batteries' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/ai-assures-everyone-it-wont-exterminate-humanity-as-it-will-still-need-batteries/
'Ew, Really? Apparently the Band From Guitar Hero: Aerosmith Actually Exists' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/ew-really-apparently-the-band-from-guitar-hero-aerosmith-actually-exists/
A Maryland woman collected a $50,000 scratch-off prize this week — her second $50,000 win of 2026. Lottery officials confirmed both tickets were bought in the same state, by the same person, in the same calendar year.
#7The Groaner
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
