#1The Monologue
Microsoft stock jumped nearly four percent Friday after the company unveiled a revamped Copilot featuring a coding tool and an always-on AI agent — so somewhere in Redmond, a piece of software is now legally more employed than most of us. Re: Stock Market Today, Sept. 25 — Yahoo Finance
Akamai shares rose after signing an eleven-point-six billion dollar cloud deal with Anthropic, a deal that includes a warrant letting Anthropic acquire up to five percent of Akamai — which is the corporate equivalent of a contractor being paid in slices of your house. Re: Stock Market Midday, Sept. 25 — The Motley Fool
The Cubs, White Sox, Guardians and Padres all clinched playoff berths Thursday, meaning both Chicago teams are in the postseason at the same time — a development the city is handling with the calm restraint of a dropped beehive. Re: 2026 MLB Playoff Picture — FOX Sports
An emu got loose from a mobile zoo in Moriyama, Shiga Prefecture, Japan, and was reported to police as a wandering ostrich before officers cornered it at an apartment complex two hours later. No injuries; the zoo says it will review security and continue keeping emus.
Cath Bowie of Scotland, who streams as grumpygran1948, was named the oldest female Fortnite streamer by Guinness World Records in the Gamer's Edition 2027. She plays up to six hours a day and has more than twenty-four thousand followers.
Autumn Kelso, a firefighter with St. Pete Beach Fire Rescue in Florida, has been certified by Guinness World Records as the shortest woman in the profession. The record attempt began as a joke among her colleagues, who looked it up and realized she qualified.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'California DMV Adds Highway Chase To Road Test' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/california-dmv-adds-highway-chase-to-road-test/
'National Election Swayed As Beverly From Nebraska Puts Political Sign In Yard' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/national-election-swayed-as-beverly-from-nebrasks-puts-political-sign-in-yard/
'Criminal gang escapes during FBI raid after releasing a sheep wearing lipstick' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/25/criminal-gang-escapes-during-fbi-raid-after-releasing-a-sheep-wearing-lipstick/
'Wendy's Employees Undergo Mandatory Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday Training' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/wendys-employees-undergo-mandatory-brand-new-vs-taking-back-sunday-training/
LuAnn Chico of Lexington, North Carolina, won one hundred thousand dollars on a Ruby Red 7's scratch-off bought at a Winston-Salem Food Lion — the same game that paid her the same amount in August 2025. She took home seventy-two thousand and sixteen dollars after taxes and plans a beach trip.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
