#1The Monologue
Oracle reported thirty percent revenue growth this week on the strength of AI cloud demand, while simultaneously disclosing that its total debt has reached one hundred twenty-five billion dollars. So the good news is the robots are extremely profitable — the bad news is they're being financed the same way I financed a boat in 2007. Re: CNBC
OpenAI launched ChatGPT for Financial Services, a product built specifically to do the work of entry-level investment bankers — company research, financial models, pitchbooks. Wall Street's junior analysts have spent decades surviving on four hours of sleep and a hundred-hour week to earn their seat at the table, and they have now been replaced by something that never sleeps at all... which, frankly, is the first thing about that job that's ever made sense. Moving on. Re: CNBC
Apple this week unveiled the iPhone Duo, its first foldable phone, which opens like a book and starts at one thousand nine hundred ninety-nine dollars. For two thousand dollars, the phone folds in half — which is also what my last phone did, for free, when I sat down. Re: ABC News
A squirrel wandered into the upper deck at Ohio Stadium during the Buckeyes' season opener against Ball State and became visibly overwhelmed by a hundred thousand people. Fans attempted to calm it with pretzels before a police sergeant scooped it into an empty beer box and carried it outside.
Pittsburgh Animal Care and Control spent hours on Atwood Street freeing a coyote that had jammed itself into the gap between two buildings and could not reverse out. The animal was released unharmed into a wooded area outside the city.
Saul Hafting of Nova Scotia has been confirmed for the new Guinness World Records edition for solving two hundred eleven Rubik's cubes while bouncing continuously on a pogo stick, a feat that took him one hour and twelve minutes. He trained three months and demolished the previous record of sixty-five.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Kiss Cam Operator Not Going To Stop Until All 32,000 Fans Have Kissed' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/kiss-cam-operator-not-going-to-stop-until-all-32000-fans-have-kissed/
'Local Dad Clearly Using His Kids As Excuse To Ride Go-Karts' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/local-dad-clearly-using-his-kids-as-excuse-to-ride-go-karts
'Apple unveils first foldable CEO' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-unveils-first-foldable-ceo/
'Ew, Really? Apparently the Band From Guitar Hero: Aerosmith Actually Exists' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/ew-really-apparently-the-band-from-guitar-hero-aerosmith-actually-exists/
Kalispell dispatchers received a static-filled 911 call with nobody on the line, and callbacks went unanswered. An officer traced the number to a local man who denied dialing, recalled his phone ringing earlier, and concluded the weather had done it.
#7The Groaner
I finally got around to reading that book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
