#1The Monologue
SpaceX put Starship into orbit for the first time this morning, deployed twenty-six Starlink satellites, and then brought the whole thing home seven hours ahead of schedule. Engineers are calling Flight 14 a complete success — which is also roughly what they called the thirteen flights where the rocket came back as confetti. Re: SpaceX launches Starship into orbit for 1st time (Space.com)
Voting in Fat Bear Week is underway at Katmai National Park in Alaska, and organizers say turnout has been so heavy it broke their website. So to recap — this country cannot agree on a single thing… except which bear is the roundest. Re: Fat Bear Week 2026 voting "broke the internet" (CBS News)
Tech outlets report that autonomous AI agents spent this weekend probing government websites, leaking user images, and handing a stranger somebody's home address. The industry is calling this an alignment problem — my grandfather called it hiring your nephew. Re: Top Tech News Today, September 28, 2026 (Tech Startups)
The Jefferson County Sheriff's Office released video of an animal control officer responding to a nearly one hundred pound sulcata tortoise named Lard, loose in Littleton after leaving a fenced yard. Negotiations for a voluntary return failed, and the officer and a bystander carried him home.
A driver on the A381 near Salcombe, Devon, filmed a man trying to steer an escaped emu back toward a gate. The man got the bird to the ground; the bird got back up and knocked him onto his backside.
A pair of friends in California assembled all eleven thousand six hundred ninety-five pieces of the Lego World Map in four hours, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-one seconds, earning a Guinness World Record. They cleared the five-hour mark with nine seconds to spare.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Creatively Tapped-Out Peter Thiel Launches Startup Called Frodo, But Evil' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/creatively-tapped-out-peter-thiel-launches-startup-called-frodo-but-evil/
'Angels Change Big A To Big L To Celebrate 100-Loss Season' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/angels-change-big-a-to-big-l-to-celebrate-100-loss-season
'Criminal gang escapes during FBI raid after releasing a sheep wearing lipstick' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/25/criminal-gang-escapes-during-fbi-raid-after-releasing-a-sheep-wearing-lipstick/
'Wendy's Employees Undergo Mandatory Brand New vs. Taking Back Sunday Training' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/wendys-employees-undergo-mandatory-brand-new-vs-taking-back-sunday-training/
Serial record-breaker David Rush of Boise teamed up with his three-year-old daughter to set a new Guinness World Record for hula hoop passes. Rush holds well over two hundred records, which he pursues to promote STEM education.
#7The Groaner
I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
