#1The Monologue
Apple reportedly planned to lay off roughly five thousand AppleCare support employees on the theory that AI agents could handle their jobs, then shelved the plan indefinitely — apparently somebody called the support line to ask how to run the layoffs, and the chatbot transferred them to a human. Re: MacRumors — Apple Reportedly Planned to Replace 5,000 Support Employees With AI
The Transportation Department lowered the national fuel economy target from about fifty miles per gallon down to just under thirty-five, and officials say the rollback will shave roughly thirteen hundred dollars off the sticker price of a new car... which is approximately what you'll now spend on gas driving it home from the dealership. Re: NPR — The Trump administration weakens fuel efficiency standards
The President met at the White House today with the chief executives of the major artificial intelligence companies. Sources describe the meeting as productive — though at press time nobody in the room could confirm which of them had written the summary. Re: U.S. News — Trump, US House Speaker and Tech CEOs to Meet on AI
An online competition in Delhi called "Fat Dogs of Delhi" narrowed sixty-four rotund street dogs down to two finalists, Googoo of Saket and Rambabu of Yusuf Sarai, complete with campaign posters and fan bases. Final voting happens online and at three in-person polling locations, with a winner expected October 1.
Doodlepalooza 2026 gathered 296 poodle mixes at the Cowabunga Canyon water park in Las Vegas on Sunday, breaking the Guinness World Record for most dogs attending a dog pool party. A Guinness adjudicator was on site to certify the count, which beat a previous record of 276.
A pair of California friends set a Guinness World Record by assembling all 11,695 pieces of the Lego World Map in four hours, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-one seconds. They cleared the five-hour mark with nine seconds to spare.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Trump To Rename AI Super Intelligence On All U.S. Documents' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/trump-to-rename-ai-super-intelligence-on-all-u-s-documents/
'Woman Prepares For Start Of Taking Picture Of Bible Next To Cup Of Coffee Season' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/woman-prepares-for-start-of-taking-picture-of-bible-next-to-cup-of-coffee-season/
'Petrol stations offering litre of diesel in exchange for firstborn child' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/29/petrol-stations-offering-litre-of-diesel-in-exchange-for-firstborn-child/
'Supreme Court Signals Openness To Gutting Beastie Boys Right To Party' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/rock/supreme-court-signals-openness-to-gutting-beastie-boys-right-to-party/
Officers in Monroe Township, Gloucester County, found a large sulcata tortoise wandering near Church and Academy Streets and announced they had taken the slow-moving suspect into custody after a brief foot pursuit. The tortoise, named Michelangelo, has since been returned to his family; his owner said the animal was simply exploring his options.
#7The Groaner
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
