#1The Monologue
Federal regulators fined Bank of America one-point-two billion dollars this week for failing to report more than five billion dollars in suspicious transactions. The bank says it's deeply sorry, and would like you to know that your own deposit of four hundred dollars has been flagged for review. Re: Bank of America fined $1.2 billion over money laundering violations — CNBC
The Social Security Administration announced today that benefits will rise three-point-six percent in 2027. Seventy-six million Americans will receive the increase, which economists describe as enough to cover — roughly one additional bag of avocados. Re: Cost-of-Living Adjustment (COLA) for 2027 — Social Security Administration
OpenAI announced it's retiring several GPT-4 models in January and recommends everyone migrate to its replacement, which is named gpt-6-luna. The company that is building a machine smarter than all of humanity has, so far, been unable to build a machine that names things. Re: OpenAI Release Notes, October 2026 — Releasebot
A grower in Coventry, Rhode Island put a pumpkin on the scale at a Warren weigh-off and it came back at 3,156 pounds — the first pumpkin ever recorded over 3,000 pounds, pending Guinness certification.
The North Carolina Education Lottery's Pick 3 drawing landed on 0-0-0, paying out roughly 1.7 million dollars across 4,917 winning tickets.
Bexar County deputies responded to Interstate 35 near Kinney Road on Sunday evening to find two horses and a donkey wandering unsupervised next to highway traffic, and reunited all three with their owner.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Corn Named World's Sexiest Plant' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/corn-named-worlds-sexiest-plant/
'Audubon Society Formally Excommunicates Penguins' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/audubon-society-formally-excommunicates-penguins/
'Grandma Puts Scammer On Hold To Answer Call From Different Scammer' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/grandma-puts-scammer-on-hold-to-answer-call-from-different-scammer/
'Jeep Owner With Not All Who Wander Are Lost Tire Cover Proudly Hasn't Left Home State In 30 Years' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/jeep-owner-with-not-all-who-wander-are-lost-tire-cover-proudly-hasnt-left-home-state-in-30-years/
A Miami-Dade deputy on routine patrol at 3:30 in the morning stopped a van leaving a Homestead-area avocado grove with its lights off, and found what the grove's owner estimated as 750 pounds of fruit — about one full bin, valued near a thousand dollars.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.
