#1The Monologue
The Energy Department announced it's lending up to 4.4 billion dollars to restart three shuttered nuclear plants — including one at Three Mile Island — specifically to power artificial intelligence data centers. So the plan is to restart Three Mile Island so that a chatbot can confidently tell you there are two R's in "strawberry." Re: Northeast Times
Amazon, Yelp, Delta, JPMorgan Chase, and Charles Schwab have all moved to block third-party AI agents from accessing customer accounts, with Jamie Dimon explaining, quote, "you don't want rogue agents." It's the first time in recorded history a major bank has expressed concern about somebody else moving money irresponsibly. Re: Fortune
Internal documents revealed the corporate donors behind the 330 million dollar White House ballroom, with Nvidia and Apple each pledging 25 million. Nvidia requested that its donation be kept anonymous — twenty-five million dollars, and the only thing they asked for in return was that nobody find out. Re: CNBC
The California Highway Patrol fielded multiple calls about a loose emu running in and out of traffic near Harper Street and 17th Avenue. The owner showed up, and troopers helped corral the bird for a safe trip home.
Reading Terminal Market hosted competitors who were each handed six pounds of scrapple and ninety minutes to produce art. The event is now in its third year, which means it has outlasted several restaurants.
Diego Poncelet, 27, of Spain set a Guinness World Record in Canada for fastest downhill skateboard speed, standing, at 94.34 miles per hour. Standing. On a skateboard.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Weird Cleveland Browns Fan Has No Children On Team' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/weird-cleveland-browns-fan-has-no-children-on-team/
'Gullible simpleton gives Tesla five-grand deposit for flying car that will never, ever be delivered' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/17/gullible-simpleton-gives-tesla-five-grand-deposit-for-flying-car-that-will-never-ever-be-delivered/
'McDonald's Debuts Clearance Menu' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/mcdonalds-debuts-clearance-menu/
'Punk Over 35 Just Needs Phone, Keys, Wallet, Ear Plugs, Tums, Insoles, and Neck Fan to Go to Show' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/punk-hardcore/punk-over-35-just-needs-phone-keys-wallet-ear-plugs-tums-insoles-and-neck-fan-to-go-to-show/
A Silver Spring player placed two one-dollar Pick 5 bets using 62626 — the only numbers she ever plays — on both the midday and evening drawings. The evening numbers came up, and both tickets paid 50,000 dollars.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if the library had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered — "they're right behind you."
