#1The Monologue
An AI system discovered a pair of critical flaws in PHP, the language running roughly seventy percent of the internet, and security researchers are now racing to patch it before AI-powered attackers get there first. So the machines found the hole, the machines are attacking the hole, and the machines are fixing the hole — humanity's role in this is holding the ladder. Re: Krebs on Security — Widespread PHP Flaw May Cause Many Site Outages Today
Tesla reported quarterly profit down forty-three percent and trimmed five billion dollars off its capital spending plan. Elon Musk responded by floating a merger with SpaceX — which is the corporate equivalent of tying a rocket to something that isn't working and calling it a strategy. Re: AGCC — Thursday October 22, 2026 business headlines
The World Series is set: Tampa Bay against Milwaukee, the first matchup since 1980 in which neither franchise has ever won a title. Baseball has finally guaranteed a feel-good ending for somebody… it just had to remove every team anyone has heard of to do it. Re: ESPN — World Series: Rays, Brewers first look
Federal agencies are investigating an eleven-foot metal object that turned up in a Stevens County, Minnesota cornfield, with early speculation pointing to falling space debris.
South Africa's state rail operator ran a train of 696 wagons stretching 4.7 miles, claiming the world record for the longest freight train. Guinness has not yet certified it.
Sgiath, a Scottish black Labrador and former mountain rescue dog, won IFAW's 2026 Animal of the Year Award for being the first dog trained to sniff out the invasive marine organism known as "sea vomit."
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Pelicans Announce Upcoming 'Basketball Night'" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/pelicans-announce-upcoming-basketball-night/
"Nation Excited For World Series Matchup Of Not The Dodgers Vs. Not The Yankees" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/nation-excited-for-world-series-matchup-of-not-the-dodgers-vs-not-the-yankees/
"Kids to dress as PHP in most terrifying Halloween ever" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/22/kids-to-dress-as-php-in-most-terrifying-halloween-ever/
"Supreme Court Finally Makes Landmark Ruling on 'Freddy vs. Jason' Case" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/supreme-court-finally-makes-landmark-ruling-on-freddy-vs-jason-case/
A Fort Myers driver skipped the registration office by photographing another car's license plate, printing it on paper, and taping it to his newly bought vehicle. A trooper noticed the tag wasn't reflecting light, and the rain had started the ink running.
#7The Groaner
I tried to catch some fog this morning. Mist.
