#1The Monologue
The President has named intelligence director Jay Clayton as the nation's new AI czar, heading a federal task force officially called the "Super Intelligence Force." The task force has one hundred twenty days to report back on the risks of artificial intelligence — which, at current speeds, is roughly four generations of artificial intelligence. Re: UPI
Amazon announced today it will invest one billion dollars over five years in the communities that host its data centers, following a wave of local backlash. That works out to two hundred million dollars a year, spread across the entire country, to compensate people for living next to a building that hums — so, roughly, a gift card. Re: The Spokesman-Review
Heating oil prices are approaching record highs, with one estimate projecting a fifty percent jump this winter and nearly nine hundred dollars added to the average home's bill. Energy analysts recommend sealing your windows, lowering your thermostat, and — if possible — simply not being cold. Re: The Hill
A raccoon strolled into St. Joseph's Catholic church in New York City during a candlelight evening service and made itself part of the congregation.
Charlotte-Mecklenburg officers conducted a traffic stop on a love seat mounted across two rented electric scooters, requiring both men aboard to steer. Police declined to say whether anyone was cited.
A South Carolina man bought fifty tickets with the same numbers for a single Pick 4 drawing. The numbers came up, and he collected two hundred fifty thousand dollars.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Congressional Candidate Has Different Wife For Campaigning In Rural Counties' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/congressional-candidate-has-different-wife-for-campaigning-in-rural-counties/
'Americans delighted by booming economy in which they can no longer afford to drive' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/05/americans-delighted-by-booming-economy-in-which-they-can-no-longer-afford-to-drive/
'Archeologists Finally Find Evidence Of Nephilim — Oh, Wait, It's Just A Yard Skeleton' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/archeologists-finally-find-evidence-of-nephilim--oh-wait-its-just-a-yard-skeleton/
'Artist Excited to See What Completely Irrelevant Heated Argument Will Take Place in Comment Section of New Post' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/artist-excited-to-see-what-completely-irrelevant-heated-argument-will-take-place-in-comment-section-of-new-post/
A large black bear let itself into the Jubilee Restaurant in Pocono Pines, Pennsylvania, was filmed inspecting the host stand, then left and raided the dumpster instead.
#7The Groaner
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
