#1The Monologue
Google launched a satellite into low-Earth orbit this afternoon carrying its own AI chips, the first step toward building data centers in space. The chips can only run fifteen minutes at a time before they overheat — so they've successfully recreated my laptop. Re: [CNBC]
Apple is reportedly unveiling a smart home hub on October 13th that recognizes which member of your household is standing in front of it and shows them their own personalized content. Finally, a device that can tell my family apart... which puts it one ahead of me before coffee. Re: [AppleInsider]
Stocks climbed again today even as bond yields hit their highest level in twenty-four years. Economists are calling it a disconnect. Everyone else is calling it Thursday. Re: [CNBC Markets]
A Surf City resident filmed a dorsal fin cutting through floodwater on his Long Beach Island street during Tuesday's nor'easter. A Massachusetts marine fisheries expert reviewed the footage and identified it as a smooth dogfish — a small, harmless coastal species.
Bear 89, known as Backpack, won Katmai National Park's annual Fat Bear Week with 103,334 votes, narrowly defeating bear 910 at 98,253. Both finalists are offspring of previous champions.
A Columbia, Maryland mechanic asked his wife to play 11694 — the zip code from when he lived in Queens — on a Pick 5 ticket, and hit for $50,000. The couple plans to buy new tires and take a vacation.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Dude Wipes Introduces New Flushable Khakis' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/dude-wipes-introduces-new-flushable-khakis/
'Sunday School Kid Had Different Expectations For Sword Drills' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/sunday-school-kid-had-different-expectations-for-sword-drills
'Flock CEO Insists Company's Data Only Shared With FBI, DHS, NSA, DOJ, CIA and REO Speedwagon' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/flock-ceo-insists-companys-data-only-shared-with-fbi-dhs-nsa-doj-cia-and-reo-speedwagon/
'Apple Finally Invents The Folding Phone' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/09/10/apple-finally-invents-the-folding-phone/
Animal control officers in Grand Junction, Colorado responded to a report of a loose animal and captured a guinea pig, with the pursuit caught on camera. The rodent was taken in unharmed.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian whether they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
