#1The Monologue
Meta announced today it plans to raise up to ninety-five billion dollars in stock offerings to fund its artificial intelligence ambitions. Ninety-five billion dollars — which, adjusted for what the thing actually does, works out to about four dollars per correctly summarized email. Re: Tech Startups
OpenAI released an upgraded model today, promising improved speed at a lower cost. So it will now be confidently wrong about your tax situation — in half the time, for less money. Moving on. Re: Online Tech Tips
The Milwaukee Brewers head to Florida tonight holding a two-nothing World Series lead over the Tampa Bay Rays, in a matchup guaranteed to crown a first-time champion. Two franchises, zero titles, one trophy — somewhere in Los Angeles, a Dodgers fan is explaining that this doesn't count. Re: CBS Sports
Chinese motorcycle entrepreneur Zhang Xue rode a modified dirt bike 25.3 miles across the surface of the Chen River in Hunan Province, earning a Guinness World Record for the longest distance traveled on open water by a modified motorcycle. His first attempt, back in 2009, ended after twenty meters and four separate trips into the river.
Appleton, Wisconsin police released body camera footage of a deer that entered an apartment by jumping through one window and then departed by shattering a different one while officers watched from outside. Nobody was home, the deer was uninjured, and police followed up with the landlord about the glass.
A four-and-a-half-month-old tiger squeezed between the bars of her enclosure at the Mykolaiv Zoo over the weekend, prompting an all-night search. The zoo director confirmed she was located and recaptured with no injuries to anyone, including the tiger.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Election Officials Warn That Ballots Tied To Stray Cat Unlikely To Arrive In Time' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/election-officials-warn-that-ballots-tied-to-stray-cat-unlikely-to-arrive-in-time/
'Cowboys Fans Concerned Another Loss Could Make It Difficult For Team To Choke In Playoffs' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/cowboys-fans-concerned-another-loss-could-make-it-difficult-for-team-to-choke-in-playoffs
'Man begins three-day period of saying the time and then what time it "really" is' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/25/man-begins-three-day-period-of-saying-the-time-and-then-what-time-it-really-is-3/
'5 Punk Albums You Need To Hear Before You Die Tomorrow' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/5-punk-albums-you-need-to-hear-before-you-die-tomorrow/
Maggie, a four-year-old cow, escaped a farm in Carmel, New York and spent the weekend evading officers in Putnam County before being corralled on Sunday. She has been reunited with her calf and, per the farm, is recovering from her adventure.
#7The Groaner
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
