#1The Monologue
Jay-Z will headline the Super Bowl LXI halftime show at SoFi Stadium, a decision made by Roc Nation, the company that selects the halftime performer, which is owned by Jay-Z. The NFL says the process was competitive — he beat out two other guys who were also Jay-Z. Re: CBS Sports
Anthropic filed its IPO paperwork this week, disclosing sixteen point three billion dollars in revenue and an eighty billion dollar loss. Investors are reportedly split on whether this is a generational moment or speculative fiction — which is also how the company describes its own chatbot output. Re: CNBC
A hazmat team was dispatched to a Flagler County beach to remove a mysterious cylinder that washed ashore during a nor'easter. Officials have not identified the object, but confirmed that it washed up in Florida — which narrows it down to everything. Re: UPI
A black bear climbed into an unlocked Subaru in Juneau, Alaska, around 12:30 Monday morning, got shut in, and set off the horn until a neighbor called 911. It shredded the wiring, disabled the locks, and left a deposit before police freed it with a rope.
A Chinese entrepreneur named Zhang Xue rode a modified MX450 motorcycle 25.3 miles across the surface of the Chen River in Hunan Province on Sunday, earning a Guinness World Record. The bike stayed on top of the water the entire time.
The Los Angeles Public Library is marking its centennial with the world's largest pop-up book, titled Luceros y Penumbras, measuring 15.41 feet by 20.01 feet when opened. Its pop-up elements rise as high as eleven feet.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Career Experts Advise Job Applicants To Send Interviewer Follow-Up Blackmail' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/career-experts-advise-job-applicants-to-send-interviewer-follow-up-blackmail/
'Brawl Erupts Between Non-Denominational Church And Spirit Halloween Over Vacant Storefront' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/newly-vacant-storefront-leads-to-bitter-clash-between-spirit-halloween-and-non-denominational-church
'Kids to dress as PHP in most terrifying Halloween ever' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/22/kids-to-dress-as-php-in-most-terrifying-halloween-ever/
'Opinion: Anyone Who Would Trust Their Life to a Tesla Flying Car Absolutely Should' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/blog/opinion-anyone-who-would-trust-their-life-to-a-tesla-flying-car-absolutely-should/
Flagler County Fire Rescue found an unidentified cylinder washed ashore during nor'easter conditions and called in the St. Johns County hazardous materials team to haul it off. The object has still not been identified.
#7The Groaner
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
