#1The Monologue
OpenAI announced today that it will begin adding invisible watermarks to text generated by ChatGPT in the European Union, in order to comply with the EU AI Act. So the machine that writes your emails will now secretly sign them — which is, word for word, the plot of every haunted typewriter movie ever made. Re: TechCrunch
The Nobel Prize in Physics went to 82-year-old Francis Halzen, for burying a detector in Antarctic ice to catch neutrinos — particles so antisocial that trillions pass through your body every second without acknowledging you. He spent forty years building a machine to notice something that refuses to notice him back... which also describes my relationship with the DMV. Re: CNN
The Supreme Court opened its new term by hearing arguments on whether fossil fuel companies can be held liable for the climate crisis. Nine people in robes spent the morning deciding who's responsible for the weather — which, honestly, is the most ambitious group project in American history. Re: Democracy Now
A raccoon climbed the front steps of St. Joseph's Church in Greenwich Village and walked in through the open door during a candlelight prayer service, where a pastor escorted it back outside. It then ran down 6th Avenue past a stunned passerby who announced he had never seen one of those in the city before.
A kangaroo got loose from a petting zoo at the Saline County Fairgrounds after a child left a gate open, and spent roughly a full day at large in Marshall, Missouri. It was eventually wrangled by police, animal control, and a bystander who happened to have exotic animal experience.
A Canadian Coast Guard buoy broke free and floated more than three thousand miles across the Atlantic before washing up on the coast of County Mayo. Local officials are now working out how to recover what they are politely calling an unusual visitor.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'DNC Releases Preemptive Autopsy Into Why They Lost Midterms' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/dnc-releases-preemptive-autopsy-into-why-they-lost-midterms/
'Sam Altman reassures public some bad things must happen so some very profitable things can happen' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/10/06/sam-altman-reassures-public-some-bad-things-must-happen-so-some-very-profitable-things-can-happen/
'Artist Excited to See What Completely Irrelevant Heated Argument Will Take Place in Comment Section of New Post' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/artist-excited-to-see-what-completely-irrelevant-heated-argument-will-take-place-in-comment-section-of-new-post/
'Ariana Grande Lands Seasonal Gig As Halloween Lawn Skeleton' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/ariana-grande-lands-seasonal-gig-as-halloween-lawn-skeleton
Charlotte-Mecklenburg police stopped two men traveling down South Tryon Street on a couch balanced across a pair of electric scooters. The department said that while it appreciated the creativity, it would prefer people think about safety first, and suggested leaving mobile furniture displays to IKEA.
#7The Groaner
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey — but I turned myself around.
