#1The Monologue
The Trump administration this week officially classified White House ballroom construction as a top-secret military installation. When a nonprofit sued to stop the project, the president called them "treasonists" for exposing top military secrets. The secrets were: there's a ballroom, there's a bunker underneath, and — well, that's about it. This is the most powerful military on Earth...and it now includes ballroom dancing. Re: Newsweek
Congress advanced a landmark cryptocurrency bill this week that includes, for the first time in U.S. history, explicit limits on how sitting presidents may personally profit from digital assets. Lawmakers confirmed this was not...until now...already illegal. Good to know. Re: CNBC
Social media influencers declared this week that sunscreen causes melanoma, based on a study that dermatologists say they misread entirely. The doctors ask only that we keep wearing sunscreen, and that we stop getting our oncology updates from accounts that also sell collagen gummies. They ask knowing it will change nothing. Re: Yahoo News
A Tennessee woman driving to pick up soccer equipment found a five-foot grey rat snake emerging from under her car's hood and traveling across the windshield while the vehicle was in motion. The snake exited on its own terms before the car fully stopped.
Two seven-month-old pygmy goats named Billy the Kid and Billy the Goat escaped their Portland, Oregon, backyard, made their way to the FX2-Division transit station, and boarded a TriMet city bus on Wednesday before being shooed off by the driver after about twenty seconds. Their owner identified them via Facebook.
A 15-year-old African spurred tortoise escaped its owner's property in Manitoba, Canada, in late July and was found two weeks later at Oak Hammock Marsh nature preserve, more than twelve miles away. The tortoise was in good health and offered no explanation.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Nation Once Again Fails To Make Most Of Summer' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Kentucky Derby Convenes Committee To Determine What Is A Horse' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Oh, Crap: Government Threatens To Fix Something' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Church Introduces Hogwarts Sorting Hat To Identify Your Spiritual Gifts' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
Washington, D.C. police and bomb disposal units responded Wednesday morning to a suspicious electronic device with exposed wires left outside a Tenleytown firehouse, shutting down rush-hour traffic on Wisconsin Avenue for two hours. The device was identified as an adult toy. The depositor remains at large.
#7The Groaner
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
