#1The Monologue
OpenAI is reportedly offering the federal government a five-percent ownership stake in the company, valued at roughly forty-two billion dollars, in exchange for reduced regulatory pressure. The arrangement is being called unprecedented — a private AI company attempting to purchase goodwill from the government...which is normally done the other way around. Re: OpenAI proposes 5% stake to Trump administration — CNBC
President Trump this week awarded his own economy an A-plus grade. He made this announcement at a resort in Las Vegas — a location chosen, one must assume, for its well-documented relationship with fiscal restraint. Re: President Trump: We should get an A+ on the economy — Fox News
After losing federal funding for their decades-long Rocky Mountain marmot study, UCLA researchers launched an OnlyFans page called "OnlyMarms" — described by Professor Daniel Blumstein as entirely G-rated and educational.
Two capybaras entered the Legislative Assembly of Mato Grosso in Cuiabá, Brazil, proceeded to the reception area, stood around briefly, and were escorted out. Officials confirmed no official business was conducted during the visit.
A six-foot iguana named Titan broke free from his shipping box inside a Memphis FedEx facility on July 24, triggering a warehouse-wide chase before staff recaptured him. The package had been marked fragile.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Angel Still Guarding Eden With Flaming Sword Wondering If He Can Move Yet' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Man Unsure Whether Wife's Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread Is For Toast Or Face' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Chipotle Cashier Tells Customer There's An Extra Charge For No Salmonella' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Study Confirms Humanity Groaning With Longing For More 'Animaniacs'' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
On July 24, an Iowa woman was arrested after officers observed her driving a riding lawnmower through a parking lot while displaying signs of impairment. She was taken into custody without incident.
#7The Groaner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
