#1The Monologue
The Trump administration's 15-point peace plan for Gaza was rejected today by Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who called it unacceptable without full Palestinian disarmament first. Fifteen points. The State Department said it is working on revisions, which is Washington for... fewer bullet points, same destination. Re: Democracy Now
A federal court ruled this week that the president of the United States cannot build a ballroom inside the White House without Congressional approval, making the White House — at 55,000 square feet — the only venue in America currently... unable to host a dance. Re: Democracy Now
Animal services officers in Dallas freed a raccoon who had spent several days roaming a neighborhood with a full jar of mayonnaise stuck over her head; locals had named her Mayonesa. She was sedated, given fluids, and described as being in remarkably good condition.
A man in Airdrie, Alberta discovered a marmot in his garage who had apparently ridden 75 miles from the Canadian Rockies in his car's undercarriage; wildlife rescuers described her as feisty and planned to return her to the wild — though she had already found her way back to the same garage on her own once before.
A Fort Bend County, Texas family credits their pet goose Goosey with honking them awake in the middle of the night during a barn fire, allowing them to extinguish the flames before any animals were harmed. They had acquired Goosey at a poultry expo on Mother's Day from a tent called Hug a Goose.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'U.S. Instates Military Wife Draft' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Ring Launches Streaming Service' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Study Finds There Aren't Enough Occasions Where You Get To Eat Rolls' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Scientists Hard At Work Making iPhone Weather App Even Less Accurate' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced that all service members aged 30 and older will now undergo mandatory annual testosterone screening, with hormone replacement therapy available voluntarily to those whose levels come back low. Medical guidelines do not recommend routine testosterone screening for the general population, though the Pentagon has noted that service members are not, in fact, the general population.
#7The Groaner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products... a satisfactory.
