#1The Monologue
A federal appeals court this week blocked the President's $400 million White House ballroom project, ruling that a President is "a temporary tenant, not the owner" and cannot fundamentally reshape a historic structure without congressional approval. Trump says he'll take it to the Supreme Court ... making this the most expensive landlord-tenant dispute in the history of a building that doesn't technically have a landlord. Re: ABC News.
A New Mexico court ordered Meta to pay $567 million to address the mental health harms caused by Instagram and Facebook to children. Meta announced it will appeal. Its stock price barely moved ... suggesting that for Meta, $567 million occupies roughly the same emotional register as losing a pen. Re: NBC News.
A raccoon in Dallas spent several days wandering a residential neighborhood with a mayonnaise jar trapped over her head before animal services finally caught her at the base of a tree. She was sedated, given fluids, and had the jar removed; she's been named Mayonesa, and was described by rescuers as "full of energy."
Two capybaras wandered into the Mato Grosso Legislative Assembly in Cuiabá, Brazil this week, explored the lobby while lawmakers prepared for a vote elsewhere in the building, and then departed on their own. Employees noted the animals regularly use the building's adjacent crosswalks and have bathed in the fountain out front — but entry into the building itself was unusual.
Renu Dhariyal of Uttarakhand, India has been officially certified by Guinness World Records as the owner of the longest hair on any living person, with locks measuring 8 feet and 10 inches. She has not cut her hair since 2015, citing Indian cultural tradition, and she runs a YouTube channel where she shares beauty tips.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Pentagon Declassifies Files On Blimps' — The Onion, theonion.com.
'Ring Launches Streaming Service' — The Onion, theonion.com.
'Angel Still Guarding Eden With Flaming Sword Wondering If He Can Move Yet' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com.
A bookstore in Eureka, California received a package this week containing a book stolen from the store roughly 40 years ago, along with a handwritten apology note and a $100 bill. The anonymous sender explained they'd been a struggling college student with a "drug and alcohol problem" at the time, later experienced a spiritual awakening, and recently found the book in a box in their garage.
