#1The Monologue
A federal appeals court this week cleared the way for thousands of lawsuits against social media companies, ruling their recommendation algorithms could be held liable for harm to children. The platforms announced they would respond with a heartfelt AI-generated apology, to be delivered to you inside an ad. Re: Appeals Court Allows Thousands of Lawsuits Against Social Media Companies
A federal judge ordered an emergency pause on New York City Mayor Mamdani's proposed pied-a-terre tax on luxury second homes. Officials say they need more time to determine whether it is technically legal to make very rich people slightly less comfortable in their spare apartments. Re: Judge Orders Emergency Pause on NYC Mayor Mamdani's Pied-a-Terre Tax
A Trump-linked energy company began landing drilling equipment in Greenland this week without authorization from local officials. Greenland issued a statement calling the move unacceptable. The equipment continued arriving. Re: Oil Drilling in Greenland Begins Without Local Approval
A raccoon who wandered a Dallas neighborhood for several days with a mayonnaise jar sealed over her head was captured, sedated, and freed by Dallas Animal Services this week. She was dehydrated but full of energy. Officers named her Mayonesa.
Divers pulled a sealed bottle of Guinness Extra Stout dated 1864 from a 19th-century English Channel wreck this week. Scientists at KU Leuven in Belgium say there is "a possibility" the stout is still drinkable — and plan to re-brew it using extracted yeast DNA.
David Rush of Idaho cleared a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos in 9.03 seconds using one finger from one hand to control all four hippos simultaneously, earning his 200th concurrent Guinness World Record — making him only the third person in history to hold that many records at once.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Timothy Burnett, 67, Sealed in Mausoleum Along With Living Taskrabbit Handyman, Rover Walker, and DoorDash Deliveryman Who Will Continue to Serve Him in the Afterlife' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Deborah Fitzgerald and Quentin Korda Were Wed in a Quiet Ceremony Attended by 20 Friends and One New Virus the Rest of the World Will Learn About Soon Enough' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Man Exhausted After Long Day of Typing Stuff Into ChatGPT' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Overachiever Uses Turn Signal' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
Deputies with the Pickens County Sheriff's Office, assisted by officers on horseback, lassoed a 1,500-pound runaway longhorn bull after a chase along Highway 17 this week. The sheriff's office called the animal an "oversized escape artist" and noted that deputies would probably be "better off patrolling the county than trying to make a living on the rodeo circuit."
#7The Groaner
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
