#1The Monologue
Spider-Man: Brand New Day crossed two billion dollars at the global box office this weekend, becoming only the second film in history to reach that milestone in under three weeks. Marvel Studios called it a triumph for cinema. Disney called it... a Tuesday. Re: The NewsWorthy
Works by Renoir, Cézanne, and Matisse were recovered in Italy this week, years after being stolen from a French museum. Investigators confirmed the paintings were found — in Italy — a country that has been there the whole time. Re: The NewsWorthy
Betty Bromage, 97, of Cheltenham, England, walked atop a moving biplane to reclaim the Guinness World Record for oldest female wing walker — a title she previously held herself. She had suffered a stroke in the intervening year; she performed this feat to raise money for the stroke unit at her local hospital.
A man in Wales dressed in a full Grim Reaper costume climbed onto a hospital roof and stared into patient room windows, resulting in a fine and nuisance charges. Patients' reactions were not reported.
A Scottish man who had been losing milk bottles from his doorstep installed surveillance cameras to identify the culprit. Footage revealed a fox, steadily and deliberately carrying the bottles away one by one. The fox has not been charged.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Oh, Crap: Government Threatens To Fix Something" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
"Mom Decides To Drop Kids Off For First Day Of School Three Weeks Early" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
"Democrats Announce You Aren't Allowed To Remember What They Did A Few Years Ago" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
A Kentucky man assembled a Mr. Potato Head — while blindfolded — in 7.92 seconds, setting a new Guinness World Record. Officials confirmed there is an official category for this. Officials were present. A stopwatch was used.
#7The Groaner
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
