#1The Monologue
Oracle is reportedly planning another round of layoffs this month to help cover the cost of its enormous AI data center buildout. So the machines aren't taking your job — technically, the buildings the machines live in are taking your job. Re: [The Next Web — Oracle plans fresh August layoffs as its AI spending spree bites]
Canada announced retaliatory tariffs today after the United States halted trade talks. Officials say the measures will target key American exports — which is the most aggressive thing Canada has done since the invention of the passive-aggressive apology. Re: [Democracy Now! — Headlines for August 24, 2026]
College football's Week Zero kicks off this weekend with Bill Belichick coaching North Carolina against TCU — in Dublin, Ireland. A man famous for saying as little as possible has traveled four thousand miles to say even less, in a country that talks for a living. Re: [Yahoo Sports — College football 2026: What you need to know about the new season]
A Maine coon named Erebus Anomaly has been certified by Guinness World Records for having the most toes on a cat — twenty-nine, or eleven more than standard issue. The previous record of twenty-eight was set back in 2002.
Employees at Blue Valley Tractor and Supply in Bucyrus, Kansas thought they'd seen an injured deer sprint past the building, then reviewed the footage and found an Australian marsupial. The animal had escaped from a nearby property.
The 65th German Finger Wrestling Championships were held Sunday in Pflugdorf-Stadl, drawing roughly 150 competitors who link middle fingers through a leather loop and pull. Ferdinand Seitz took the senior title and described the pain as "excruciating."
A man in a full Darth Vader costume delivered public comment at a San Diego City Council committee meeting last week, staying in character to mock the city's Flock surveillance cameras. His heavy breathing was audible through the chamber microphone throughout.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian whether they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered — "they're right behind you."
