The Lighter Side — Wednesday, August 26, 2026 at 4:15 PM

#1The Monologue

Nvidia reported quarterly revenue of ninety-six point two billion dollars today, up one hundred and six percent from a year ago. Analysts had called it a binary event that would end three and a half months of sideways chop on Wall Street — so the entire American economy is now essentially one company that sells the shovels. Re: Kiplinger — Nvidia Earnings Live Updates, August 2026

Chinese courts have ruled that a company cannot fire an employee purely to replace them with artificial intelligence, calling it a business decision rather than an uncontrollable event. Which means that in 2026, the safest place in the world to be a graphic designer is — a Guangzhou labor tribunal. Re: NPR — A tech worker in China is laid off and replaced by AI. Is it legal?

The Big Ten and the SEC both voted this week to ban football players who've signed pro contracts from returning to college, a move an attorney says violates a standing court injunction and may trigger a contempt motion. Two of the wealthiest institutions in American sports read a federal court order and thought — that's more of a suggestion. Re: CBS Sports — Big Ten, SEC ban NFL players from returning to play

#2Bear Steals Gear Bag From Colorado Fire Station

A bear wandered into an open bay at Colorado Springs Fire Station 16 and left with a bag of firefighting equipment; crews found the bag in the yard the next morning, emptied of snacks.

#3Escaped Bison Wanders Virginia Gravel Roads

Loudoun County Animal Services was dispatched Monday after a report that a bison was loose and "creating his own version of a farm tour" through the neighborhood; deputies escorted it to a nearby field.

#4Wallaby Filmed Hopping Through English Town

A pasty shop owner in Liskeard, Cornwall, filmed a wallaby bounding down the high street at half past five in the morning; police responded and could not find it.

#5Meanwhile, In Satire

'In Honor Of Dolly Parton, Man To Attempt To Work All The Way From 9 To 5' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/in-honor-of-dolly-parton-man-to-attempt-to-work-all-the-way-from-9-to-5

'Texas High School Proposes Adding Academics To Its Football Program' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/texas-high-school-proposes-adding-academics-to-its-football-program

'Bugs Bunny Declares For WNBA Draft' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/bugs-bunny-declares-for-wnba-draft

'Scientists Confirm Reggie Watts Has First Ego Psychedelics Can't Kill' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/scientists-confirm-reggie-watts-has-first-ego-psychedelics-cant-kill/

#6Texas Police Rescue Kinkajou From Strip Mall

North Richland Hills officers responded to a report of a possible monkey or small kangaroo behind a trash can outside a Mod Pizza and found a kinkajou sheltering from the heat; it was handed over to a wildlife rescue.

#7The Groaner

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.