#1The Monologue
The Kennedy Center board voted Thursday to rename the building "The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts Restored and Renovated by President Donald J. Trump" — this after a federal judge had already ordered Trump's name removed from the building. The board's solution to being told to use fewer words was to use considerably more of them.
Re: Kennedy Center board votes to add Trump's name back — NBC News
Apple announced it has been training its artificial intelligence model for China with the help of Alibaba. Apple — the company whose entire brand identity rests on user privacy — is now powering its Chinese AI through Alibaba. Your data is completely secure. From everyone except the company Apple is in business with.
Re: Apple trains China AI model with Alibaba — Tech Startups
Big Tech companies have now committed nearly one point five trillion dollars to artificial intelligence. Scientists say this figure is theoretically enough to end global hunger, solve climate change, and cure most known diseases. Scientists also say they were not consulted about any of this.
Re: Big Tech AI commitments near $1.5 trillion — Tech Startups
Thieves in Salzburg, Austria made off with 210 of the 320 gold-colored mini-Mozart statuettes from a public art exhibition honoring the composer's 270th birthday. Each polymer figurine, roughly 20 inches tall, was valued at about 100 euros — meaning the perpetrators of what the artist describes as an "organized" operation walked away with a maximum of $24,000 in commemorative souvenir composers.
An Australian family renovating their home in Kiama, New South Wales, discovered a copy of "Antiquities of Athens," published in 1858, sealed in a tea crate and bricked inside a fireplace. The book had been borrowed from the local library. At the original lending rate of three pence per week, the late fee would total approximately $27,000. The library has waived it.
A horse competing in California's 100-mile Tevis Cup endurance race separated from its rider and wandered alone into the Granite Chief Wilderness at an elevation of 7,200 feet. Veterinary personnel were airlifted in, the horse was sedated and secured in a large animal lift, and the Butte County Sheriff's helicopter carried it to safety. The horse is in good condition. The rider walked out.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Trump Tears Up White House In Search Of More Munitions" — The Onion, theonion.com
"After Observing Adam For Two Minutes, God Decides Man's Going To Need A Helper" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
"'C' From 'Coexist' Sticker Arrested For Running Over Other Letters With A Truck" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
"Kentucky Derby Convenes Committee To Determine What Is A Horse" — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
A 21-year-old flight instructor near Pensacola, Florida, took a student pilot up for their very first lesson on August 3rd. The engine failed. The cabin filled with smoke. She radioed air traffic control and stated: "Yeah, we are not making the airport — we are going down on I-10." She then threaded the plane beneath a highway sign and landed safely on Interstate 10. Neither she nor her student was hurt.
#7The Groaner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
