#1The Monologue
Microsoft entered the second day of a global outage that knocked out Outlook, Teams, and Copilot in seventy-four countries. The company stressed there's no indication of a cyberattack — just an indication that seventy-four countries accidentally had a nice day. Re: [NBC News — Microsoft outage live updates]
Senator Chris Van Hollen announced he'll challenge Chuck Schumer for Senate leader. It's the rare Washington power struggle where both candidates and the entire electorate fit comfortably in one room — and still can't agree on a lunch order. Re: [NPR — Up First]
ABC announced the star of "The Bachelor" season thirty will be a Washington Commanders quarterback, who says he's looking for a partner with competitiveness. On a show where thirty people compete for one man over eleven weeks — that's less a preference than a weather forecast. Re: [Variety]
Viral video showed two horses being walked onto a Detroit Department of Transportation city bus, where they stood calmly among the passengers. The transit agency confirmed the footage was genuine and said it's reviewing the incident.
California artist Sam Shoemaker earned a Guinness World Record for the longest solo journey in a boat made of fungal mycelium, paddling 26.37 miles from Catalina Island to the mainland. The 107-pound kayak took seven weeks to grow and was sealed with shellac and beeswax.
State Park Police spotted a loose emu named Sweet Pea in Brendan T. Byrne State Forest, located her, and failed to capture her. Officials are now asking residents of the Pine Barrens to keep their distance and call a hotline.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Report: Sister's Therapist Must Have Put Her Up To This' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/report-sisters-therapist-must-have-put-her-up-to-this/
'National Productivity Skyrockets After Microsoft Teams Goes Down' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/national-productivity-skyrockets-after-microsoft-teams-goes-down
'Man who never stopped using AOL insufferable now' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/13/man-who-never-stopped-using-aol-insufferable-now/
'Changing Tables Installed in Senate Bathrooms for Elderly Senators' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/news/changing-tables-installed-in-senate-bathrooms-for-elderly-senators/
Animal services officers in Sugar Land, Texas, responded to multiple reports of a motionless, apparently ailing alligator in a residential area. The patient was an inflatable pool toy.
#7The Groaner
I gave away all my dead batteries today — free of charge.
