#1The Monologue
A massive tech sell-off wiped roughly two and a half trillion dollars off the stock market this week after anti-AI candidates swept the midterms. So the artificial intelligence industry has finally produced something at superhuman scale — losses. Re: NBC News
A federal judge issued a fourteen-day restraining order blocking construction of a proposed 250-foot triumphal arch near Arlington, just hours after a federal planning commission approved it. In fairness, the arch is a monument to perseverance — and now it's going to need some. Re: CBS News
The State Department this week denied reports that Secretary of State Marco Rubio is preparing to resign and run for president in 2028, calling the story "completely baseless fake news." Nothing says "I have no plans to run for president" quite like a 2028 denial issued in 2026. Re: NewsNation
Police in Beaufort, South Carolina, chased down a pair of runaway piglets and took them into custody. Officers nicknamed the duo the "Bacon Bits" and announced charges of "fleeing and squealing."
A farmer in Hoke County, North Carolina, walked past what he assumed was a fence post on his property before realizing it was a boa constrictor that had been missing for about a month.
A British woman who has worked as a town crier since 1987 was certified by Guinness World Records as the loudest woman on Earth, registering a shout of "oyez" at 105.9 decibels.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/nation-watches-helplessly-as-2028-election-cycle-begins/
'Why Do I Feel So Rotten? Asks Man Briefly Coming Up For Air Between Twinkies' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/why-do-i-feel-so-rotten-asks-man-briefly-coming-up-for-air-between-twinkies
'Gunpowder plotte was ye false flagge, sayeth 17th century conspiracy theorists' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/05/gunpowder-plotte-was-ye-false-flagge-sayeth-17th-century-conspiracy-theorists-2/
'Liberal Punk Band Writes Strongly Worded Letter Addressed to The Machine' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/punk-hardcore/liberal-punk-band-writes-strongly-worded-letter-addressed-to-the-machine/
A North Carolina man's gas pump failed to print his receipt, so he went inside the store — where he bought a lottery ticket that won him a two million dollar Powerball prize.
#7The Groaner
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
