#1The Monologue
Democrats took control of both the House and the Senate on Tuesday, flipping seats in Texas, North Carolina and Georgia. Republican strategists have spent the last two days conducting a thorough internal review, and they've narrowed the cause down to — everything except the policies. Re: 2026 House midterm election results as Democrats capture majority — CBS News
A tech sell-off wiped roughly two and a half trillion dollars off the market Wednesday, with Nvidia down nine percent and the Nasdaq off more than six. For months, analysts have asked whether artificial intelligence could ever justify the money being poured into it. The market has now issued a reply — and it did not care for the question. Re: A brutal sell-off for AI stocks sends Wall Street reeling — AP via Boston.com
On that same day, Google announced a seventeen billion dollar AI data center. Asked whether the timing gave anyone pause, Google reportedly scanned the room for someone with the authority to stop them… and then broke ground. Re: Google's $17B AI data center — Tech Startups
A five-year-old black Labrador named Java has been recognized by Guinness World Records for the most clothes pegs hung on a washing line by a dog in one minute. She managed eight.
A deer fell through a secured pool cover at a home in Livonia, Michigan, and couldn't climb out of the partially drained pool. Firefighters lowered a ladder in and the deer let itself out.
Brenda Willison, town crier of Peterborough since 1987, shouted "oyez" at 105.9 decibels to claim the Guinness record for loudest shout by a woman. She believes she had more in the tank.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"Bain Capital Acquires Tibetan Buddhism For $35 Million" — The Onion, https://theonion.com/bain-capital-acquires-tibetan-buddhism-for-35-million/
"Gunpowder plotte was ye false flagge, sayeth 17th century conspiracy theorists" — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/05/gunpowder-plotte-was-ye-false-flagge-sayeth-17th-century-conspiracy-theorists-2/
"Friends Graciously Bless Family With Meal Train Food That Will Fill Up Their Fridge Before Being Thrown In The Trash Next Week" — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/friends-graciously-bless-family-with-meal-train-food-that-will-fill-up-their-fridge-before-being-thrown-in-the-trash-next-week
"On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America's Next Top Model" — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/news/on-a-roll-democrats-win-house-senate-americas-next-top-model/
Animal control officers in Thompson, Connecticut, cornered a hundred-pound emu in a resident's backyard Wednesday after it was spotted jogging down Thompson Hill Road. The owner retrieved it two hours later.
#7The Groaner
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
