#1The Monologue
The President named Stephen Miller his new White House chief of staff this week, replacing Susie Wiles just days after the midterm shellacking. The message to voters was clear — we hear you, and we've decided the problem was insufficient Stephen Miller. Re: [Washington Post]
Wall Street shed about three point two trillion dollars in a single session as AI stocks collapsed worldwide. Which means artificial intelligence has finally achieved something genuinely human — losing an incomprehensible amount of money and then insisting it was always part of the plan. Re: [NBC News]
Federal prosecutors charged three people with using artificial intelligence to commit a hundred and twenty-nine million dollars in fraud. So to recap the week — AI can't make anyone money legally, but it's doing just fine the other way. Re: [UPI]
A Hoke County, North Carolina farmer noticed what he took to be a fence post lying on the ground, and discovered it was the boa constrictor that had gone missing from his property a month earlier.
Brenda Willison, a British town crier since 1987, was certified by Guinness World Records after shouting "oyez" at a measured 105.9 decibels.
A British runner combined sprinting with puzzle solving to finish four Rubik's cubes in the course of a single mile, setting a Guinness World Record at five minutes and nine point two five seconds.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Steve Kornacki Crushes Millions Of Tiny Voters While Sliding Hand Across Electoral Map' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/steve-kornacki-crushes-millions-of-tiny-voters-while-sliding-hand-across-electoral-map/
'Why Do I Feel So Rotten? Asks Man Briefly Coming Up For Air Between Twinkies' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/why-do-i-feel-so-rotten-asks-man-briefly-coming-up-for-air-between-twinkies
'Elon Musk to cut out the middleman and toss next $500m political donation directly into a woodchipper' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/05/elon-musk-to-cut-out-the-middleman-and-toss-next-500m-political-donation-directly-into-a-woodchipper/
'On a Roll: Democrats Win House, Senate, America's Next Top Model' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/news/on-a-roll-democrats-win-house-senate-americas-next-top-model/
Police in Beaufort, South Carolina chased down a pair of escaped piglets they nicknamed the "Bacon Bits," and announced the suspects had been detained on charges of "fleeing and squealing."
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian whether they had any books on paranoia. She leaned in and whispered — they're right behind you.
