#1The Monologue
The President announced over the weekend that he had offered UFC boss Dana White the job of White House press secretary, then clarified today that he was kidding. Which means for roughly thirty-six hours, the official plan for American government communications was a man whose entire career is built on putting two people in a cage until one of them stops — honestly, that's the most accurate press briefing format anyone's proposed in years. Re: NBC News — Trump says he was 'only kidding' about Dana White
NASA opened up to ten billion dollars in moon-base delivery contracts today, with eight companies now eligible to bid. Ten billion dollars, eight companies, one moon. So we've finally reached the stage of human achievement where the hard part isn't getting to the moon — it's the procurement paperwork. Moving on. Re: Quartz — NASA opens up to $10B in moon base delivery contracts to eight companies
Tesla confirmed it's launching robotaxi service in San Antonio, making it the fourth Texas city to get driverless cars. Four cities in, and the technology has advanced to the point where a computer can now navigate Texas traffic with no human input, no steering wheel, and no opinion about it whatsoever — which makes it the calmest driver in the state. Re: TheStreet — Stock Market Today, Nov. 9, 2026
Roughly two hundred and fifty people assembled in Chicago's Millennium Park on Sunday to physically shove the Cloud Gate sculpture, following flyers claiming a man was trapped inside and could be freed via a hatch if the sculpture moved seven inches to the left. The Bean did not move.
Dozens of impersonators gathered in a San Francisco park over the weekend to compete over who most closely resembled either Elizabeth Holmes or comedian Nathan Fielder. Both categories reportedly drew a strong field.
An Idaho man and his son each earned a fourth Guinness World Records title by playing Hungry Hungry Hippos while blindfolded. The record stands.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Tom Cruise Wakes Up Sleep-Climbing Burj Khalifa' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/tom-cruise-wakes-up-sleep-climbing-burj-khalifa/
'Man Sets Email Away Response That He's On Vacation In Hyrule For The Foreseeable Future' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/man-sets-email-away-response-that-hes-on-vacation-in-hyrule-for-the-foreseeable-future
'AI finally finds true purpose in British society by helping people complain more efficiently' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/09/ai-finally-finds-true-purpose-in-british-society-by-helping-people-complain-more-efficiently/
'Millennial Mentally Rebrands Increasing Grays as Natural Highlights' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/culture/millennial-mentally-rebrands-increasing-grays-as-natural-highlights/
Deputies in Beaufort County, South Carolina spent part of last week pursuing two runaway piglets, nicknamed the Bacon Bits, before taking them into custody. The sheriff's office listed the charges as fleeing and squealing.
#7The Groaner
My wife asked me to please stop singing Wonderwall... I said maybe.
