#1The Monologue
Nvidia's board announced today that co-founder Jensen Huang has resigned effective immediately, and the stock fell thirteen percent, dragging the company's market value all the way down to four trillion dollars. So if you've been waiting for a dip to buy in — this is apparently it. Re: Al Jazeera
Microsoft suffered a global outage this afternoon taking down Outlook, Teams, and Copilot, with Downdetector logging roughly a hundred and thirty thousand complaints. Microsoft clarified that traffic was normal, and that a bunch of servers simply became unexpectedly unavailable — which is also how I describe myself on a Thursday. Re: BleepingComputer
Tesla confirmed it is winding down Cybertruck production to free up factory space, after the truck sold at about one tenth of its planned volume. The vehicle built to survive the apocalypse has been defeated by the free market. Re: UPI
An emu named Sweet Pea escaped a Pasadena Road property and is now roaming the Pine Barrens, where State Parks Police found it but could not catch it. The Department of Environmental Protection is asking residents not to approach or chase the bird.
Six Agibot humanoid robots staffed a working convenience store in Shanghai's Xuhui district for twenty-four straight hours, completing 1,730 tasks. Four passed probation review; the cleaning unit wandered out of the store and never came back.
Los Angeles artist Sam Shoemaker has been awarded a Guinness World Record for the longest solo journey in a fungal mycelium boat, paddling a 107-pound, twelve-foot kayak grown from Ganoderma polychromum. The vessel took seven weeks to grow and was sealed with shellac and beeswax.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Nation Watches Helplessly As 2028 Election Cycle Begins' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/nation-watches-helplessly-as-2028-election-cycle-begins/
'National Productivity Skyrockets After Microsoft Teams Goes Down' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/national-productivity-skyrockets-after-microsoft-teams-goes-down
'Manchester United to appoint next manager on a rolling 45-minute contract' — NewsThump, https://newsthump.com/2026/11/12/manchester-united-to-appoint-next-manager-on-a-rolling-45-minute-contract/
'Drummer Has Zoomies' — The Hard Times, https://thehardtimes.net/music/drummer-has-zoomies/
A deputy, two animal services officers, and state wildlife officers converged near Stuart, Florida at seven in the morning to free a bobcat hanging upside-down by one rear leg from a barbed wire fence. She was cleared by a wildlife hospital and released back into the wild the same day.
#7The Groaner
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
