#1The Monologue
President Trump hosted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky at the White House today in back-to-back separate meetings. Both leaders are currently managing different active wars. Trump described both conversations as "good"...making this the most aggressively scheduled Tuesday in the history of American diplomacy. Re: Netanyahu and Zelenskyy meet separately with Trump at the White House — ABC News.
Senator Rand Paul this week released over eleven hundred pages of Dr. Anthony Fauci's private pandemic diary, timed ahead of Fauci's scheduled Senate testimony. The documents show Fauci privately questioned the official COVID origin story while publicly defending it. His personal diary entry from March 2020, however, dwells mostly on something else — noting that he was, quote, "becoming an international celebrity. Calls from all over the world." He wrote this...while the rest of us were eating cereal directly from the box at eleven in the morning. Re: Rand Paul releases Anthony Fauci's pandemic-era diary notes — NPR.
Pokemon card stores in Japan have begun installing facial recognition scanners to identify and block scalpers from purchasing limited-edition card packs. This is the first recorded instance in which being unrecognizable at a Pikachu merchandise event makes you a suspect...rather than simply a person with good judgment. Re: Pokemon card stores use facial recognition to prevent scalping — UPI.
David Rush of Idaho set a Guinness World Record this week for the most consecutive flaming torch catches while riding a unicycle, recording 175 catches and more than quadrupling the previous mark. He burned off his eyebrows on the first attempt.
Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory, whose federal grants were canceled by the Trump administration, have opened an OnlyFans page called "OnlyMarms" featuring daily photos and videos of wild marmots. The team stressed the page will be, quote, "G-rated."
A dog named Chong who disappeared from Lincoln, Nebraska in 2021 was found this week at a truck stop in Pittsboro, Indiana, 642 miles away, after shelter staff scanned his microchip. How he covered 642 miles over five years remains unknown.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
"New Geneva Convention Allows Use Of Child Soldiers With Signed Permission Slip" — The Onion, theonion.com
"Mitch McConnell Clarifies Absence Due To Brief Planned Trip To Afterlife" — The Onion, theonion.com
"U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs" — The Onion, theonion.com
"Mark Zuckerberg Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Metaverse Demonstration Just a Dire Straits Music Video" — The Hard Times, thehardtimes.net
A pet kangaroo named Roofus escaped his enclosure in Bloomfield, Missouri last Friday after being startled by an excavator, and has been on the loose since. His owners deployed a thermal drone to search for him; as of this morning, the most reliable sighting came from a FedEx delivery driver on Highway 25.
#7The Groaner
I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia. She whispered, "They're right behind you."
