#1The Monologue
The Trump administration announced new tariffs on more than sixty countries this week by citing a federal anti-slavery law — placing Canada, the European Union, and South Korea in the category of nations with inadequate forced-labor protections. This is now the first trade dispute in recorded history where the legal brief cites the Thirteenth Amendment... and you still end up paying more for Gouda. Re: Democracy Now
Spanish soccer players Fabian Ruiz and Gavi were honored this week in their hometown after helping Spain win the World Cup — with three hundred and thirty-eight pounds of tomatoes, equal to their combined body weight. It is the only trophy ceremony in professional sports history where the athletes are also... technically... a condiment. Re: Yahoo Sports
A Chinese robotics firm announced plans this week to mass-produce humanoid robots with synthetic skin and human-like facial expressions, priced at up to $145,000 each. The company says they'll adapt to any workplace environment and assist with daily life... and HR has already requested their resumes. Re: UPI
On July 22nd in Gold Hill, Colorado, a black bear climbed into an unlocked SUV, shut the door behind itself, and spent the night leaning on the horn — prompting neighbors to assume a rude neighbor before morning revealed the actual driver. The bear had also deployed the airbag and redecorated the interior before a homeowner with a rope opened the door from a safe distance and allowed it to leave.
On July 24th in Wilmington, Illinois, maintenance worker AJ Gow was performing repairs inside a 130-foot gas station sign when his boom lift malfunctioned — and fire department ladders only reach 100 feet. A specialized lift had to be located 17 miles away in Joliet and escorted to the scene by State Police. The worker spent over six hours inside the sign giving a thumbs-up to everyone below.
Museum Boijmans Van Beuningen in Rotterdam is exhibiting 390 kilograms of smooth peanut butter spread across a gallery floor as a tribute to the late Dutch conceptual artist Wim T. Schippers, who first created the "Pindakaasvloer" in 1969. Workers applied it with drywall trowels; Dutch brand Calvé donated the tubs. The installation runs through September 6th.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/u-s-mint-unveils-series-of-gold-coins-commemorating-presidents-extramarital-affairs/
'George R.R. Martin Hands Agent Unsolicited, 4,000-Page Manuscript Titled "Tuba Man, Scuba Man"' — The Onion, https://theonion.com/george-r-r-martin-hands-agent-unsolicited-4000-page-manuscript-titled-tuba-man-scuba-man/
'SCOTUS Rules Invading Xenomorphs Who Hatch On Earth Are Officially Citizens Of Earth' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/scotus-rules-invading-xenomorphs-who-hatch-on-earth-are-officially-citizens-of-earth
'Global Warming Mysteriously Spikes Every Year Between June And August, Experts Say' — The Babylon Bee, https://babylonbee.com/news/global-warming-mysteriously-spikes-every-year-between-june-and-august-experts-say
After Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's July 3rd wedding at Madison Square Garden, a New York man collected cigarette butts, plastic straws, and other debris from the sidewalk outside the venue, packaged them into labeled clear cubes, and sold all fifty units at $25 each under the name "Pocket Garbage." They sold out.
#7The Groaner
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
