#1The Monologue
A new poll found that Americans -- including a significant share of Republicans -- are losing faith in capitalism. Economists say this is alarming... though it bears noting that economists are, themselves, a product of the system they're alarmed about.
Re: NY1 — In The Papers, 7/25/26
India's Education Minister resigned today following a wave of nationwide student protests described as the single greatest political challenge to Prime Minister Modi in twelve years. The movement behind it is called... the Cockroach Janta Party. We did not name them. They named themselves. It's working.
Re: NPR News
Scientists this week pointed a radio telescope at 3I/ATLAS -- a newly detected interstellar object currently passing through our solar system -- and listened very carefully for signals from extraterrestrial civilizations. They found nothing. Researchers called it a null result... which is the scientific term for getting left on read by the galaxy.
Re: ScienceDaily
A truck carrying a full load of pickles overturned Thursday on State Route 316 in Pickaway County, Ohio, coating the roadway in brine and stopping traffic for several hours while crews worked to clear the spill.
The city of Mount Dora, Florida issued a formal public safety advisory this week after multiple residents reported sightings of wild rhesus macaques in the area. Officials urged residents not to approach or feed the animals and confirmed that wildlife personnel are on the case.
A maintenance worker in Wilmington, Illinois spent several hours stranded inside a 130-foot-tall gas station sign this week after climbing in for routine upkeep and finding himself unable to get back out. Emergency crews rescued him and he was uninjured.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'You can just send us the money,' HMRC tells people who want to pay more tax — NewsThump, newsthump.com
'Nigel Farage pledges to reduce crime by decriminalising racism and fraud' — NewsThump, newsthump.com
'LeBron James: I'm Taking My Receding Hairline To Philly' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Heaven Confirms Prayer Hands Emoji Counts As Actually Praying For Someone' — The Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
The annual World Santa Claus Congress got underway this week in Aalborg, Denmark, drawing Santas, Mrs. Clauses, and elves from thirty countries for what organizers describe as a professional summit covering toy logistics and reindeer welfare. The event takes place every July, which is, again, the middle of summer.
#7The Groaner
What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
