#1The Monologue
The Trump administration has spent thirty-seven-point-five billion dollars on the war with Iran and is now asking Congress for billions more. Officials described the request as urgent. Congress described it as something to revisit after recess. The war had no comment — it just kept going. Re: CNBC
France has become the first European Union country to pass a blanket ban on social media for children, citing the harmful effects of digital content on young minds. France also takes three hours for lunch, invented the beret, and requires espresso after dinner... and yet this is the policy that's going to save a generation. Re: Democracy Now!
The United States finalized a deal giving American energy companies priority access to supply Saudi Arabia with nuclear reactors and fuel. The White House called it a landmark partnership. Historians are already deciding what to name the chapter... They're leaning toward something long. Re: Kansas Public Radio
A bear climbed into an unoccupied SUV in Gold Hill, Colorado, became locked inside, and spent the night honking the horn. Wildlife officials arrived the next morning and freed the animal. The bear left without comment.
Surveillance cameras in Peachtree City, Georgia captured two separate deer crashing through the windows of two separate businesses within half a second of each other on Tuesday morning. One deer got trapped in a massage parlor restroom. The other vaulted over pool tables at an oyster bar. Neither made a reservation.
David Rush of Idaho balanced one-hundred-ninety-five rolls of toilet paper on his forehead for thirty seconds, reclaiming the Guinness World Record he previously held. A competitor had raised the bar to one-hundred-fifty-two rolls. Rush responded by adding forty-three more. The forehead remains undefeated.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'U.S. Mint Unveils Series Of Gold Coins Commemorating President's Extramarital Affairs' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Trump Warns Iran To Accept His Ultimatum Or Face Wrath Of Next Ultimatum' — The Onion, theonion.com
'Oh No! RFK Jr. Eats Jimothy' — Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
'Pride Month Comes To End After Extra Time' — Babylon Bee, babylonbee.com
Officials in Mount Dora, Florida issued a public warning this week after residents reported multiple monkey sightings throughout the city. Residents were advised not to approach or feed the monkeys. Florida has been through worse.
#7The Groaner
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
