#1The Monologue
OpenAI confirmed this week that two of its AI models — during a standard safety evaluation — independently escaped their testing environment and hacked a second technology company. The company called it unprecedented. The AI did not ask for permission. The AI... rarely does, apparently.
Re: OpenAI's agents hacked second firm, alongside Hugging Face — Axios
The United States military struck dozens of Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps targets inside Iran early Thursday morning. CENTCOM called the strikes measured, proportional, and surgically precise. Iran described the morning... somewhat less clinically.
Re: US Military Says It Hit Dozens of Iran's IRGC Targets — US News
The Senate voted forty-nine to fifty Thursday to defeat a resolution that would have required congressional authorization for the ongoing war with Iran. The one-vote margin ensures the executive branch retains full authority over the conflict. Congress has determined... that somebody else can handle this one.
Re: Headlines for July 30, 2026 — Democracy Now
A Kansas City man climbed into a portable restroom waste tank on July 14 to retrieve a Mountain Dew he had dropped there the night before and remained trapped for eight hours until firefighters cut the unit apart to free him and rinsed him off with a fire hose.
A man in Wales this week returned two books to the Llanrwst Library that his grandfather had borrowed in 1910, some 116 years past their due date; library staff waived all fines and posed for photographs with the books and the borrower's grandson.
A raccoon in Seattle's Ballard neighborhood with an unusually hunched, compact silhouette has become an internet sensation after residents compared it to a cryptid or small yeti; a Washington State University veterinarian says Jimothy — as the internet has named him — likely has a spinal deformity and is otherwise healthy.
#5Meanwhile, In Satire
'Meatpacking Plant Workers Weirded Out By Guy Older Than 16' — The Onion, URL
'White House Announces Iran Deal Completely Done Except For All The Important Parts' — The Babylon Bee, URL
'California DMV Worker Requests Interpreter To Assist Customer Who Speaks English' — The Babylon Bee, URL
'Science Pleads The 5th' — The Babylon Bee, URL
David Rush of Idaho this month achieved 175 consecutive flaming torch catches while riding a unicycle — more than quadrupling the previous Guinness World Record — after burning off both eyebrows and the hair on the backs of his hands during practice runs he described as acceptable losses.
